I’m not sure I can stand the excitement. Tonight we have not one but two Big Jubilee Parties on national telly. The first, on ITV called ‘The National Lottery’s Big Jubilee Party’, features a *checks notes* glittering line-up of talent including Jason Manford, Fleur East, Heather Small, Mark Owen, Kaiser Chiefs, Becky Hill and Ella Henderson. I simply can wait. Then, on the Beeb, we can enjoy not a glittering line-up but a stellar one, this time starring Rancid, John Lydon, the Dead Kennedys, Snoop Dogg, Goldie Lookin’ Chain and Gary Glitter in Platinum Party at the Palace.
Actually, I may have misread a few of those names as the BBC website gives an alternative list of artists personally selected by the Queen. Apparently, Kirsty Young and Roman Kemp (who he?) will be our, well your, hosts and the star-studded gallery will feature Diana Ross (the Supremes were better after she left: fact), Queen and Adam Lambert with some brand new material (just kidding), Duran Duran, Andrea Bocelli, David Attenborough who will be performing a short acoustic set with Metallica, Emma Radacanu, David Beckham, Stephen Fry and Julie Andrews. If that doesn’t make you want to stay in, I don’t know what will. In any event, I do hope you all stay in watching the royals try to stay awake because the pubs will certainly be quieter for me if you do.
I suppose it could be worse, although I am not quite sure how. The ITV effort has a touch of cheapskate about it, although that’s possibly because Philip Schofield and Holly Whatshername weren’t available and Jason Manford and Fleur East (another name I don’t recognise) were. And let’s be honest: they haven’t managed to secure any Premier League artists and it’s more League Two, at best.
Meanwhile, the BBC goes after its main royal demographic: middle aged and old people with only Ms Radacanu there to represent da yoot. There will be no one to disturb granny and I am sure that after a few bars of Radio Ga Ga she’ll be up and rock and rolling with the rest. Or fast asleep, as I would be when anything by Queen is being played. But, to be fair, the organisers would not have chosen any to offend us. So no chance of us hearing a popular beat combo outfit from the last 20 years or indeed have Rolf Harris do one of his famous paintings. (One for the teenagers there.)
In fact, the Queen won’t even be there tonight because she felt some discomfort at the Big Service on Thursday. I say with all sincerity that I hope the old girl gets well soon, or as well as a 96 year old woman can get, if you know what I mean. Whether I like it or not – and I do have a level of respect for her that perhaps you might not expect – she is much loved by vast swaths of the country and she does stand for tradition, stability and public service and I wish her well for that alone. Instead, we will have Charles and the painted smile on the face of the true love of his life, Mrs Parker-Bowles, wishing they were anywhere else but having to listen to the remnants of Queen churning out the eternally awful Bohemian Rhapsody. I know I would be and in fact will be anywhere else.
Personally, I think the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee is worthy of a more interesting line-up that would look more at home on Jools Holland’s dire New Year hootenanny but it’s a case of the bland leading the bland. No one with half a brain could be offended and let’s be honest that’s who the show is aimed at. *WINKS*
