Just in case you were beginning to think I was recovering from this poor mental health malarkey, I’m here to tell you I haven’t. I’ve had a real go in recent weeks, trying to get the NHS to give me some real help with my mental health as it has been doing with my physical health, but I have been wasting my time. To summarise:
- I asked my GP if I could see a clinical psychologist because Ali Martin said in The Guardian that Mbargo cricketing hero Ben Stokes had seen one to deal with his mental health issues. Unfortunately, Martin failed to add that Stokes had obviously gone private, which isn’t an option for me.
- I asked my GP if there was anything the NHS could do for me, other than six weeks of basic counselling. There wasn’t.
- I asked my GP if there was anything he could do to speed up the 3.5 to 4 year waiting time to be assessed for autism, ADHD and PTSD. There wasn’t.
- My GP referred me to an organisation that did carry out assessments but 1) they were based in Liverpool and anyway 2) I’m too old.
- I was referred to an ADHD support group in Bristol because the GPs I see all think I have it. The support group closed down for Covid and has never opened up again.
- I’m already on the maximum amount of antidepressants I’m allowed to take, so in recent weeks I’ve doubled that amount and I’ve probably made things worse. I don’t feel any less depressed and actually I reckon I’m a bit more mad.
- When I smile and I laugh and I joke, it’s all for real, but inside I’m dying.
Some of my very best friends are either living abroad, too far away for me to ever see them again, and others are dead. I’ve all but lost some great friends because I’ve walked away from my football club of obsession, Bristol Rovers, and at the same time those friends have not so much walked away from me but see me as someone who walked away from them. I’m no longer worth bothering with. If I was them, I wouldn’t bother me with me either.
I’m coming round to the view that it’s best if I live my life alone, or almost alone, because that’s the way things are these days. Hardly anyone calls, few even bother to message or text and when I see that train hurtling towards the platform when I’m train spotting, I wonder if anyone would give a damn if I stepped in front of it. I’m staying away from fast trains at the moment, just in case.
I don’t think even GPs believe that mental health is a thing. If they did, they’d do something to help, wouldn’t they?
No one will read this because I won’t plug it on social media. If anything bad happens, you read it here first.
