Woman

A week ago today, I was at the University of the West of England, part of which has been turned into a vaccination and Covid test facility. I was there for my ‘booster’ jab. I parked up and followed the signs to the where vaccinations were taking place. Wearing my mask, I found myself walking through a slightly wooded area, close behind a young woman. My first reaction was, as it always is, that I hoped she was not unsettled by my presence. My next reaction, as it always is, was to wonder why on earth I felt the need to think like that. Then, yesterday I heard Wayne Couzens being handed a full life sentence for the kidnap, rape and murder of Sarah Everard.

Now, I plead guilty to the fact that I was not always as respectful towards women as I should have been. But I never committed any act of violence, or anything close to it, with a woman, even when I was in a relationship with a violent woman. In the latter instance, I didn’t even defend myself never mind respond physically, despite what you might think was severe provocation. It’s just me, I suppose, and I suspect that the vast majority of men are of the same mind. So, why was I concerned that this young woman, going for her jab at the UWE, be worried about me invading her space?

I’ve been doing some thinking about this and it isn’t the first time it’s happened. On a late bus when I have been the only passenger apart from a woman, when we got off together. Walking up the road on my way back from the pub and seeing a woman walking alone ahead of me. I think it’s me, probably overthinking stuff as usual, and putting myself in their places. Of me imagining how they might be feeling, wondering if I was a wrong ‘un who might hurt them.  And always, when I get home, I conclude that it’s because of horrific murders like that of Sarah Everard.

Awful events like these are mercifully rare, but they still happen. And for as long as I can remember, going right back to the 1960s, stories of women being afraid to go out in the dark. Indeed, my own mother walked the dark streets on her own to collect me from my grandparents after primary and junior school. Memory has it that these were kinder, gentler times and perhaps in some ways they were, but there were still men abusing and murdering women.

In a situation like last week’s, I feel a need to engage the woman in conversation, as if to reassure her that I am no threat, but then I realise that evil men can do that too. And hopefully she sees me, despite my Covid mask, and doesn’t see me as a threat. But maybe she should?

Usually, I keep my distance, even cross the road to satisfy my excess thinking, half of me keeping an eye open for bad people, keeping a woman safe from a distance, just in case something happens. It never does, of course, because most people are decent people.

Then, I think about Sarah Everard and I feel genuinely physically sick as to what happened. And I read about Couzens’ apparent self-loathing about what he did and find myself loathing him more than anyone else on the planet. I so want him to suffer for the rest of his life, to be reminded every single day of the rest of his life what he did and to be fearful every single time he leaves his cell. I only wish there was a hell for him to go to once the hell on earth he so richly deserves has come to an end. I don’t know how anyone could do such a thing, yet I don’t understand how anyone could ever abuse a woman, mentally or physically. It is too easy to say Couzens must have been mentally ill. I’m mentally ill, always have been, but I could never, in a million years, understand what he did and why. I conclude he must be evil.

Maybe it’s the world in which we live whereby women are still, in so many areas, regarded as second class. Maybe it’s the sexualisation of women via the media. Maybe it’s both of these things and more. Somehow, we need to rid ourselves of monsters like Couzens, by way of having systems in place that will prevent them even having the opportunity to commit such heinous crimes and above all our country, our whole world, needs to be safe for women to lead a normal life, a life where they do not fear walking along the road after dark.

This is our country and we all have a responsibility to do better in our attitudes towards women. Greater minds than mine will hopefully come up with long term answers. We all owe that to the memory of Sarah Everard and to every other woman in the land.