“The public hates our guts,” said Rishi Sunak. “Just because we had a few parties after long days in the office, when the people who voted for us saw their loved ones dying alone in underfunded, overcrowded hospitals. Things are so bad, my wife has had to start paying tax on her vast overseas earnings. And we’ve been fined £50 each for being on the lash when everyone else was in lockdown. What can we do?”
“Cripes!” said Boris Johnson. “Look, I used to set light to fifty pound notes and wave them in the faces of beggars in my Bullingdon days. People will soon forget. And anyway, rules are for the little people, not us. What we really need is a distraction so Priti is on the case. We will throw a slab of red meat at our backbenchers. Then our supporters, who hate foreigners so much they voted for Brexit, will forget about us!”
“That’s brilliant,” grinned Sunak. “People are sick and tired with people who have funny foreign names coming over here and see them taking the top jobs in government. I’ll get my personal photographer to take some more photos of me smiling. He’s worth every penny of the £60,000 a year the plebs out there pay for him!”
I can’t promise you those were the exact words used by the gruesome twosome but they won’t be far out. How else could you explain what the government is doing to distract us from Partygate?
The loathsome, absolute evil home secretary Priti Patel has arrived in Rwanda, a landlocked country in the middle of Africa, to sign an agreement to send them desperate refugees and asylum seekers who have the outright cheek to try to come to our warm and hospitable country. Until recently, the red carpet for migrants was only available to the friends of Vladimir Putin who were generous enough to buy up the wealthiest areas of London, the nearest football club to the wealthiest areas of London and the son of a KGB agent who owns the Standard and Independent. Until Putin confirmed what we already knew, that he was a fascist gangster, these were good migrants, not those who were feeling persecution. At least Patel has been consistent with Ukraine, by making it incredibly hard for their refugees coming over here. If there’s any spare room on the planes we will have to charter, maybe the good citizens of Kyiv and Mariupol can join the refugees we’re sending to Rwanda.
This is what it has come to in our brown, unpleasant land. In order to distract us from his own law-breaking, Johnson concludes that he will now “take back control of illegal immigration”. Note the use of the catchphrase from the 2016 EU referendum, “take back control”? It doesn’t mean anything. The fact that this type of immigration is illegal means you can’t literally take back control of something it is impossible to control in the first place. If people are desperate enough to come here – though Christ knows why given the nasty country we have become – they are still going to try.
Doubtless this will all go down well with the hard of thinking who consume their version of the news from the Mail and the Sun and would probably excuse Johnson if he not only set fire to fifty pound notes but torched the homeless people he waved them in front of. The question, “Is this who we are?” is no longer a simple yes or no option. Because the answer from many people is, “Yes, it is.”
Imagine living in a country where we spend vast sums of money forcibly removing refugees to Rwanda before they’ve even had their asylum claims processed and then, regardless of the outcome, encouraging them to stay there? I’m not sure this shows Rwanda in a particularly good light, either, because this will be purely a financial transaction for them. As for us, it will merely confirm to the rest of the world what a basket case we have become.
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