The Royal Scam

Always look on the bright side of life. If only. Sadly, clinical depression doesn’t always allow that but I suppose things could be worse. For example, I could be Henry Windsor, the artist formerly known as Prince Harry, who has been airbrushed from the royal family by the boss of the family firm, our dear old queen. I expect this was with the full support of HRH the Grand Old Duke of York who didn’t have ten thousand men but did have a close friendship with a predatory paedophile. Luckily for him, hanging around with a convicted serial sex offender is far less offensive than marrying a black woman.

At least I caught Harry’s final act as a royal, as he assisted in the draw for next year’s Rugby League World Cup. He did look slightly dazed and confused, as Robert Plant once so eloquently put it, but then who wouldn’t after the full weight of both the royal family and much of the media piled in on him. And yes, I do remember when the very same media went to war with Princess Diana – they really did, folks – causing her to take a fast trip to oblivion thanks to the Paparazzi and a drunken chauffeur.

Today, every newspaper, with the honourable exception of the Observer, leads its front page with headlines like, “Why don’t you go and fuck yourself, Harry, and take that conniving bitch with you?” On this occasion, I avoided placing the word ‘black’ before ‘bitch’ because it makes me feel uncomfortable. Imagine how Meghan Markle feels, in the full knowledge that this is almost literally what is going on in our sickly media?

We have so lost our shit in Britain. It’s not just the sheer madness of Brexit and the bonkers campaign to ring a fucking bell at the time we raise the drawbridge to Europe. It’s everywhere. People being treated in NHS hospitals in corridors, homeless people dying on the streets, parents having to pay for basic school equipment in woefully under-funded state schools, thousands – literally thousands – of sick and disabled people dying before their much needed benefits come through. Meanwhile, the so-called people’s paper, the left of centre tabloid the Mirror leads with ‘Queen orders a hard Megxit.” Be under no illusions, my loyal reader. This is all about Meghan Markle and her obviously unsuitability to be a royal.

Doubtless when HRH the Duke of York will soon be allowed back onto the front line of the royalty. After all, it was a mistake any arrogant, halfwitted royal could have made. Andrew can take over the Invictus games, the mental health charity ‘Heads Together’ and of course his work with children living with AIDS/HIV. Forgive and forget, eh?

Just when I was getting interested in the royal family, at least to the extent that some of the younger ones had a vague idea about the lives lived by their subjects and this all kicks off. I’d even managed some grudging admiration for the Queen who, after all, had a commitment to serving the country. Whilst she was showing a stiff upper lip, the adulterous heir to the throne was knobbing an old flame, her daughter in law was sucking the toes of some slaphead businessman, her husband was making racist remarks and overturning a 4X4 and the Princess Anne was getting divorced. And these are the people we are supposed to look up to.

You’re well out of it, Harry and Meghan. Whatever happens next in your life it will not be anywhere near as bad as the shitshow you are leaving behind. I liked the fact you were a bit different from the rest but the royal establishment, as well as the establishment of the land, saw to it you’d be put back in your box. Their loss, not yours.