I’ve thought about doing the Guardian questionnaire for a long time now and today, in an act of sheer self-indulgence, I’ve done it. It’s a lot of fun but far harder than I thought it would be. Yer tiz.
When were you happiest?
As a child, watching the trams pass by at the Hofplein Fountain roundabout in Rotterdam.
What is your earliest memory?
It may have been being in the back garden during the great winter of 1963 when my mum built me a snowman, but it’s entirely possible it’s just a memory of a photograph of my mum building a snowman. Otherwise, it’s getting the boat train from Liverpool Street to Harwich/Parkeston Quay from where we would get the overnight boat to the Netherlands where, as a child, I’d spend many of my summers.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Narcissism and showing off are close, but the big winner in this category is always dishonesty.
What was your most embarrassing moment?
Getting the train from Bristol Temple Meads to Bristol Parkway, without a ticket, in order to attend a hospital appointment with my pregnant partner, only to find it was non stop to Birmingham and having to ask the guard if there was a phone I could use to break the bad news to her. (I went all the way to Brum and back, still without a ticket, and it was embarrassing and stressful in equal levels – and of course I missed the appointment.)
What is your most treasured possession?
A programme from the Steely Dan UK tour of 1974, signed by all five original members and three touring musicians who included Jeff Porcaro and Michael McDonald.
Who would play you in the film of your life?
Nuno Lopes, who played Boxer in the magnificent Netflix show White Lines. The resemblance between him and me is as uncanny as it is non-existent.
What is your favourite word?
Today it’s ‘hope’.
What do you owe your parents?
Apart from my existence, nothing. I’m almost entirely autodidactic in everything.
Which book changed your life?
All The President’s Men by Carl Bernstein and Bob Woodward. It taught me how politics works at the highest levels.
What did you want to be when you were growing up?
I was no good at anything, was never encouraged or guided by anyone to follow any particular course, lacked qualifications and had literally no idea what I wanted to be.
What is the worst thing anyone’s said to you?
After leaving the civil service, I took a job at the British Red Cross. To my astonishment, I found myself the victim of bullying and abuse which caused me severe mental problems. The local managers then sent me to their occupational health officer who, after asking me a number of questions, declared I was ’emotionally weak’.
Have you ever said ‘I love you’ and not meant it?
No.
If you could go back in time, where would you go?
Rotterdam. As a child, when I came back from long summer trips to the Netherlands with my mum, I’d forget how to speak English. Even now when I go back, I know it’s my spiritual home but it’s all too late now.
When did you last cry, and why?
Yesterday, when my partner was in great pain from her sciatica.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Bluffing my way through live without any discernible ability or talent.
What has been your closest brush with the law?
My friend and I once put dog shit into some library books and returned them to the library. That evening, a burly police officer turned up at the house (how did he know who I was and where I lived? I was dobbed in…) and asked why I had done it. I had no idea but was absolutely terrified I might go to prison. Instead, he told me to go to the library and apologise. I couldn’t get there quick enough.
What keeps you awake at night?
Despite its limited function, my brain rarely switches off so I am always lying in the dark trying to figure stuff out.
What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
It’s easier to tell the truth than it is to lie.
Tell us a secret
I can barely manage to do any form of arithmetic without a calculator and I can’t even manage simple division with one.
