And now to the big news of the day: “Why does Kate wear so many plasters on her hands?” This question, which will now keep me awake for the rest of the day, hopefully, appears in a “story” in what I believed was the last bastion of tabloid common sense, the Daily Mirror.
The revelatory news is that not only did Kate (the Duchess of Cambridge to you and me) wore a plaster on her finger when she attended church on Christmas Day, she has been seen with plasters on her fingers before. What can this mean?
The newspaper that gave us John Pilger sent its crack team of investigators out to investigate and, at great expense, one of them called Buckingham Palace whose spokesperson announced, “We have no comment on the plaster.”
I am trying to imagine the conversation.
“Hello, it’s Harry the Hack from the Mirror here.”
“Oh yes?”
“Yes. I wonder if you can comment on a major story we are running on Kate Middleton?”
“Go on then…”
“Well, we noticed that when she went to church on Christmas Day, she was wearing a plaster on her finger. What have you got to say about that?”
“We have no comment on the plaster.”
“Oh.”
I have come up with a theory regarding Kate’s plaster. I could be wrong and I know that I should not speculate on issues I don’t really understand, but I reckon the answer is this: she cut her finger and put a plaster on it. There could, of course, be another reason. It could be a paper tear, she might have and a splinter surgically removed. One of the Queen’s corgis could have bitten Kate’s finger. What has the palace got to hide?
If you sense some incredulity in my writing, you might just be right. I am thinking about heading down to my local pub later on to see if this really is a major issue with Joe and Josephine Public. I suspect I know the answer I might get – “you should be sectioned” – but why else would a so called respectable newspaper print such trivial tosh?
Is there a suggestion that Kate is self-harming and then covering up the evidence with a bit of Band Aid or is she particularly clumsy in the kitchen? What will all those public spending cuts, perhaps she has had to do all the cooking herself and some of those kitchen utensils can be a tad dangerous if not handled properly? Or maybe it’s a national newspaper on a slow news day on which no one famous has died (yet), making nothing out of nothing?
Someone, somewhere must be interested in Kate’s plaster and not in the piss-taking sense I am interested in it. I’m afraid I am not interested in Kate in any way at all, but then I don’t need to get out more.
