Mr Demotivator

Hands up who else is struggling with motivation? Ten months into this pandemic and I’m almost devoid of it. It feels different from my depression which carries on regardless but it’s definitely a thing.

Before I went to bed last night, I made some notes of what I would write about today. That often works for me, but today it didn’t. I was functioning well enough to read my newspaper, albeit at glacial speed, and cook meals as and when. But when I tried to write – and as I write this, it’s 11 hours on from when I started – there was nothing there, other than writing a blog saying there’s nothing there.

Much as I loathe joggers, particularly those who run on the road, wearing their earphones, oblivious to everyone and everything else, I have a low level of grudging admiration and even envy towards them. I feel the same way with cyclists who routinely ignore COVID rules by cycling miles away from their local area and then feel a need to tell us about their rule-breaking. At least they feel able to do something other than watch the world go by in the same way every single day, week, month and now year.

I want to do some things. I’d love to play golf but apparently playing an outdoor sport is far more dangerous than jogging and riding a bicycle. I’d like to go somewhere in the middle distance and watch the trains go by or watch the planes take off, but that’s far too dangerous, too. There is not a lot to get optimistic about.

Of course, my spirits have been raised by the arrival of vaccines. It’s the main way out of this seemingly endless shit show. But it won’t end soon. I see the promise of holidays planned for this summer and the autumn start to unravel. I see social distancing and mask-wearing carrying on for years to come and certainly next winter. Life as we knew it is not coming back anytime soon. Maybe it never will?

Now, it’s a constant struggle. Getting up is a struggle, doing anything during the day is a struggle. Life itself is a bit of a struggle. Not that I have given up on life or anything like that, but that’s me. I can’t speak for anyone else.

The virus will leave a devastating legacy of widespread mental illness at levels we have never seen. My little victory today is writing anything at all. Reading it back, it’s better than nothing, but only just.