Media for voyeurs

The Sun and the Mail clearly understand what their readers like: Philippa Matthews in a bikini. To be honest, I suspect a substantial proportion of the Sun’s readership likes nothing more and, conceivably, nothing else other than unclad women. But I suppose when the subject is the sister of the Duchess of York, your average Sun reader might require – and how shall I put this delicately? – a larger box of tissues.

I am told by Wikipedia that our Philippa, AKA Pippa Middleton, is “an English socialite, author, and columnist.” I know what an author and columnist is because I have tried without success to be one or both of these. But plainly I must lack Pippa’s writing ability and, possibly more importantly, I don’t look quite as good in a bikini. How could I be a socialite?

This is media for voyeurs, I suspect, because who else would want to see this type of stuff? Rupert Murdoch’s drooping organ is losing readers at an alarming rate, as to be fair are all newspapers. In 2019, sales of the Sun collapsed by 12% and its sister rag the Sun on Sunday by 13%. I suspect their circulation department has concluded there is only one way to stem the losses: to encourage men to masturbate.

You may think I am joking, but I’m not. The Mirror, which is losing readers at an even faster rate, has chosen today on its inside pages to show a photograph of Kim Kardashian with one of her breasts clearly on view. I know next to nothing about Ms Kardashian, other than the fact that she is married to the talentless Kanye West. Which must be very out of step with Mirror readers. According to Wikipedia, again, Kim is far more talented, making a decent living, one imagines as “an American media personality, model, businesswoman, socialite and actress.”

I now know where I went wrong in life. Instead of joining the civil service, I could have become a media personality and a socialite. Why on earth didn’t my careers advisor at Brislington School point me in either of these directions? I could have been a contender.

Joking aside, this is our world today, where stardom is achieved not on talent but by how good a newspaper editor judges you look in a bikini (only thin women need apply), by who you marry (or your sister marries), if one of your breasts pops out ‘by accident’ or a combination of these things. A meritocracy Britain most certainly is not.