I Missed Again

Imagine my disappointment when I found my name was not among those on the New Year’s Honours list. 39 years in the civil service and another five working for a couple of dysfunctional charities apparently counts for nothing these days. If I had lived in Walford or Weatherfield and had spent most of my life in the pub, as both Dot Cotton and Ken Barlow seem to have done, I’d be readying myself for a trip to Windsor Castle to collect my gong. As things stand, I’ll have to wait for the next lot to be announced.

I was very happy to see (ducks behind sofa) Tony Blair get a well-deserved knighthood for being the best prime minister ever. Adam Peaty getting an OBE for coming ninth in Strictly Come Dancing, somewhat less so. Who decides these things? And then there’s James Bond who gets the Order of Saint Michael and Saint George, which is normally reserved for professional diplomats and intelligence officers. Excuse me, but am I missing something here?

If James Bond can be honoured, then how come Doctor Who is continually ignored? I find Chris Chibnall’s version, played by Jodie Whittaker, all but unwatchable. For all that, she, and indeed he, has saved the world once a week for decades. If that’s not worth recognition, then what is? Doctor Who MBE? Dame Doctor Who? Lord Doctor Who?

I’m not against people being honoured for doing good things – in principle, I’m very much in favour – but the existing system is bonkers. Be a lollipop person for 50 years and if you are very, very lucky, it’s a BEM for you, at best. Someone called Ashley Banjo, who until today I had never heard of, gets a far higher gong, an MBE, for dancing. For dancing. I know, I know. It’s just not fair, is it?

But then, life’s not fair, is it? And the honours system appears to reward a small minority of people while rewarding the rest. Well done, Sir Chris Whitty, for his amazing efforts during Covid, but Wayne and Waynetta Scrote of Sink Estate, Anytown, who worked flat out throughout the pandemic, as hospital  porters, cleaners and all the other critical jobs without which all the more glamorous, for want of a better word, stuff would simply never happen, don’t worry: the minimum wage is going up. Just be grateful you’ve got a job at all. Anyway, arise Sir Bufton Tufton, MP for Lymeswold Central (see Private Eye) for services to politics. That’s who the honours system is really for, isn’t it?