A Friday morning shopping trip reminds me, if I needed reminding, that the government has set aside partying for a few days to bring in Boris Johnson’s Plan B which, broadly speaking means you must wear a mask everywhere except in places you don’t need to for reasons a simple man like me cannot really understand. Anyway, it’s off to our local Asda where mask-wearing is at around 75% and I hear a non-masked man say to a woman, “If they tell me to wear a fucking mask I’ll fucking tell them where to stick it”. So fucking there, I thought, leaving him to fill up his trolley with – and I am not making this up – Carling Lager and Strongbow Cider. I did think about saying “If they tell me to drink that fucking stuff I’ll fucking tell them where to stick it”, which would be in the toilet, but I got no further than that.
Sainsburys was far better at around 95%, although a surprising number of older folk don’t seem to realise there is a connection between the nose and mouth. I blame the parents. But more interestingly, if you can call it that, there was a special NHS van handing out lateral flow kits to anyone who wanted them. I didn’t even ask and the kind lady handed me two boxes full of tests. Apparently, the instruction has come down from the top to issue as many test kits as possible because “the country is in the shit”. She didn’t actually use those exact words – she didn’t need to – but that was the gist of it. For once, an arm of government is being proactive. Our current prime minister could never be accused of that.
Anyway, there’s nothing to worry about. You should all go ahead and get shit-faced at your Christmas parties, as folk did last year in Downing Street, although despite the fact there is nothing to worry about this year’s Number 10 piss-up has been cancelled due to “the move to Plan B this week”. Confused? Good. That’s the idea. Johnson will be thrilled.
It still feels like we’re sleep-walking to disaster with the Omicron variant ripping through the country, although it looks like those in the biggest danger are, as usual, the unvaccinated. But don’t worry: there won’t be a complete lockdown this time because there won’t be a furlough. Or if there is, with no furlough, you can all starve to death.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sky news reporting that the government could move to Plan C after Christmas, with checking in at pubs and restaurants, wider mark-wearing rules and extended Covid passports. Good luck with that one, Al ‘You can call me Boris’ Johnson.
