Another staycation?

Whilst the country was celebrating Boris Johnson’s massive victory in the Hartlepool by-election – I think that must be true given the tone of gutter press front pages today – I was waiting for a far more important government announcement, the reopening of overseas holidays. However, I realised it was not going to be good news when I found that Johnson himself would not be making the announcement. He left it to transport secretary Grant Shapps.

The long-awaited traffic light system will be as follows:

• GREEN – You can visit some countries, although you will need a negative test at both ends, potentially setting you back a trifling £300 per traveller.
• YELLOW – You will need tests at both ends and you will need to isolate for 11 days when you get home, but it doesn’t matter because you can’t make inessential trips, which means holidays, anyway.
• RED – You’re fucked.

My destinations of choice for this year are Spain and Croatia, neither of which are on the green list so it’s safe to assume that, barring miracles, those miracles being that the virus will bugger off and not mutate, I won’t be going anywhere this year. Yes, Shapps’ announcement applies as of now and things can change. Spain’s numbers are slowly coming down, so are Croatia’s, but percentage-wise they’re both much worse than we are. I thought of a hastily arranged foray to Greece but their numbers are even worse, with record deaths in recent days.  My Pfizer jabs don’t count for much when it comes to going on holiday.

To make matters worse, Shapps said that even the existing green traffic lights can change at a moment’s notice. You might flop on your sun bed and find, within five minutes, that the rules have changed and you’re desperately trying to pay through the roof for a flight to get you home before you have to self-isolate.

Maybe I should look farther afield. I see the Falkland islands are on the green list so I am checking whether they have any all inclusive deals around Stanley. There’s not much to do there but you won’t struggle with the local menu which includes mutton, more mutton and even more mutton. And you can visit the places with names you remember from the 1982 conflict between Old Blighty and Argentina.

Our best hope is for Alex ‘Call Me Boris’ Johnson to be announced as the government spokesman on foreign travel. Johnson doesn’t do bad news. If it’s Shapps again next time, it’ll be another staycation* for me.

• Staycation literally means a break with no overnight stays. It does NOT mean a holiday in the UK, okay?