News reaches me that the Spice Girls – well, at least three of them – are planning a comeback for next year. In a message to their fans, Geri Horner (nee Halliwell) says, “You’ve stood by us for 20 years, and we want to say a big thank you.” No, they haven’t Geri. You are in it to make a fast buck. And your music was crap anyway.
Remember Viva Forever? This was the Spice Girls musical to match Mama Mia and We Will Rock You. And it bombed with losses of £5 million. It is not hard to see why: they were a here today, gone tomorrow manufactured band with next to no talent.
Even when they were in their so called pomp, you knew the Spice Girls were an empty vessel. At least three of them – I would suggest all of them – could not actually sing. Not being able to sing has not stopped some of the biggest stars in pop history from enjoying long careers in the business, but once the image, carefully honed by skilful business folk, has worn out, what’s left?
There will be people who want to see this sort of thing. After all, the nostalgia circuit is bigger than ever. Cities, like mine, have regular “Let’s Rock” festivals every year, where older folk can sing along with a Thompson twin or any number of otherwise unemployed artists from the 1980s who had a couple of top 20 hits to their name. No one is being ripped off, after all. Not everyone is like me, searching with anorak intensity to find new music, and if an afternoon with three-quarters of Bucks Fizz floats your boat, then good luck to you!
The Spice Girls at Hyde Park, eh, belting out some of the tackiest, crappiest, most formulaic music ever. I think I’ll give that a miss then. And the very suggestion that they might be playing some new music would appall the nostalgia fans who just want the hits.
Rock and roll is not dead yet, but a Spice Girls reunion tour would surely encourage music’s funeral director to give the hearse a quick MOT, just in case.