What a winker (misprint)

The first thing I thought when I was listening to Labour’s shadow chancer – sorry, chancellor – John McDonnell on the radio today offering free broadband to everyone was probably not what you were thinking. With Labour’s Magic Money Tree in full cry, it became clear that McDonnell was actually offering free porn to everyone. “If you live in a quaint little village or fading seaside town, you might not have a doctor’s surgery, a bus service or even a local shop, but what can offer you is free porn,” he didn’t literally say, but that was, to me anyway, the gist of it.

There are actually some half-decent arguments as to why everyone should get free broadband. In an ideal world where the Money Tree was actually real and not Magical (so not really real), we could have free everything. Free beer, free chips, free sex, free cheese toasties, free Marmite, free Adidas trainers, free pickled eggs and free train tickets. Better still, the state could pay me to do precisely nothing and the country would still be rich. That’s not true though, is it?

Like virtually all the politicians at the head of the main parties are offering free everything at the moment. Even Boris Johnson’s awful Tories are offering billions to sort out the mess that…er…the Tories have created since coming to power nearly a decade ago. Labour has gone furthest though with free porn.

Don’t worry about eating. There’s always a food bank. Or you could beg on the streets. And if you’re particularly cold, then sleep in your clothes. None of this matters in 2019 because John McDonnell is going to let you watch Porn Hub 24/7. If that won’t warm the…ahem…cockles of your heart, then nothing will.

I have somewhat distorted the policy announcement simply to illustrate a point. And that point is that the current election campaign is becoming the biggest load of bollocks in the history of bollocks. You think my ‘joke’ about free porn is an exaggeration? Well, on Wednesday the actual prime minister, Boris Johnson, was going to do a joke about wanking during the Tory election campaign. The Sun ‘newspaper’ apparently advised its readers in advance. At the last minute, Johnson withdrew. Perhaps he had got an early inkling of McDonnell’s announcement? Things are actually that mad, believe it or not.

That’s what the general election has been reduced to. Jokes about masturbation and free porn. If anything sums up politics in Britain today, this does. And does anyone really give a toss?