The hugely popular Ska nostalgia combo Madness are playing an outdoor gig tonight in, of all places, Chipping Sodbury, the market town just north of Bristol. Not exactly my cup of tea, I have to say, but who am I to question their enduring popularity across 50 years? With a vast back catalogue of happy singalong songs, the thousands in attendance will have one of the best nights of their lives. The prospect of a gig – any gig – in a vast field, armed with camping chairs, lasting for the best part of six hours would horrify me. While it could be an age thing, I think it’s more than that.
I am so old it is stretching things to suggest I am middle-aged. I refer to myself these days as a doddery old codger, full of the aches and pains acquired through the wear and tear of life, with a constant reminder of every football injury I ever suffered. It is extremely galling to have pain from football injuries given that my last serious competitive game took place 27 years ago, but, as Esther Rantzen put it, that’s life (one of the teenagers, there).
What would I do if one of my favourite acts was playing at Chipping Sodbury this weekend? What if a reformed R.E.M. were topping a bill, supported by a range of other artists including, say, for example, Courtney Barnett, Hot Chip and David Byrne? You know I’d be absolutely desperate to get a ticket but reservations would still apply. Here are some of them:
- At my age, I like to know where my nearest bathroom is. I do not want to spend forever queueing as my ageing bladder begins to give up the battle of trying to retain excess alcoholic fluid
- You cannot being your own food and drink to this show. “It’s not a facking picnic” says the advertising blurb (it doesn’t really, but it’s not inaccurate to suggest the organisers want to make as much money from you as possible)
- Even if I was a Madness fan, I would not welcome the prospect of the four hours to kill before the main act coming on, particularly given that I have never heard of the support acts
- While we are fortunately in a warm late spring period of weather, it will still be cool once the Nutty Boys are on stage. I like to be warm
- If I am designated driver, I will be entirely sober
- Whether I am designated driver or not, I will still have to spend an inordinate amount of time trying to find the car and then queueing until the early hours to leave the venue
To me, it’s the type of outdoor life I absolutely detest, a near cousin of camping which I have always seen as a grotesque way of spending my leisure time. So many things that apply to an open air gig like tonight’s effort at Chipping Sodbury apply to camping.
Luckily, I suspect I am in a small minority of grinches who would rather do just about anything else than sitting and standing in a vast field in order to see a hugely popular beat combo outfit. And if I really wanted to see Madness, I’d probably wait until late autumn/early winter and attend one of their many indoor arena gigs they play every year.
For those who just fancy a jolly night out, bathing in the comfortable familiarity that Madness always bring to whatever they do, tonight will be wonderful. Normal people, who don’t overthink or have concerns about bathroom facilities, will be in their happy place. Me? In our house, I’m an embarrassment. Now excuse me while I put my baggy trousers on for tonight’s show.
