Everyone in the UK loves Phil and Holly. Of a population approaching 68 million people, just over 67 million don’t watch ITV’s This Morning, so that’s why stories of a rift in relations between Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby have captivated the nation. At least that’s what some parts of the media are saying. Even woke tofu-eating Guardian readers are interested, given that the news of a rift was the most viewed page on its website. But are we? Are we really?
Now I don’t do daytime TV, unless there is some kind of sporting event taking place. Schofield I know vaguely for his appearances in a broom cupboard (I shit you not) and then on the BBC’s Going Live with a puppet called Gordon the Gopher and Willoughby not at all, although courtesy of some assistance by Mr Google I learn she is a TV presenter. I know a bit about This Morning because when I worked for the evil British Red Cross and the brain injury charity Headway, I would visit people who were lonely, sometimes old and occasionally brain-damaged and if I saw them in the morning you just knew Phil and Holly would be gurning at you through the crystal box. Basically, it’s a TV tabloid news show for the hard of thinking, which today includes items as diverse as How To Banish Ants, Gino’s Tasty Tiramisu and the child sex offences committed by Schofield’s brother. Actually, I’m not 100% certain whether Schofield’s black sheep brother was on the show and I may have made it up, but you get the general drift. Anyway, the glamorous twosome have supposedly had a bust-up and we’re all enthralled.
The Mirror reports that Schofield has called in lawyers and a “top PM man” although it is not clear why. Apparently, Willoughby is upset that Schofield kept her “in the dark” about his paedo brother, although quite what it has to do with her, I don’t know. Imagine how bad the victims feel, but I suppose that is a secondary concern of those involved who are honed in on the main story, whatever it is. But here’s the thing. The newspapers (and the Sun and Mail) are all over the story but none of them seem to have any facts, just that the two star presenters now hate each other’s guts and smile awkwardly throughout the show. In the interests of quality blogging, not something you are probably used to on here, I decided to watch some of this morning’s show on the ITV player, or whatever it’s called, and I had no clue whatsoever that anything was wrong.
In fact, Schofield and Willoughby sit uncomfortably close to each other, gurn at the camera almost all the time and say almost nothing of any interest at all. I’ve always found Schofield a little creepy for some reason, perhaps because he spent an inordinate amount of time in a broom cupboard, which is not normally the kind of place a grown up man hangs around in. Willoughby, in my brief moments of research, came across as sweet, pleasant and utterly vacuous, which is almost certainly the main qualification for being on This Morning in the first place. If I never see the show again, it will be a day too soon.
So the world, well 720,000 people, wait to find out next. What will Phil’s lawyer and PR man come up with for whatever needs sorting out? Will Holly bring her own lawyer and PR man into the equation? Will we ever regain our sanity after reading this crap about a modestly talented couple of people who happen to present a daytime show when the vast majority of us are doing something else and something far, far more meaningful?
In any event, I hope Phil and Holly continue with their work and ensure that ants are banished before they get onto Gino’s Tiramisu and that Holly in particular can get over her distress about not be told about Phil’s pervy brother. Everyone in the UK loves Phil and Holly, except almost everyone who doesn’t or more likely couldn’t care less.
