And now we go live to the newspaper review.
- The Mail runs with the headline ‘Cyclists may need number plates’. They also report on the death of Darius Campbell Danesh, tastefully accompanied by a photo of him with a barely clad young woman
- The Times quotes identity thief and government minister Grant Shapps as saying cyclists won’t need number plates.
- The Telegraph bangs on about migrants and wangs on about diversity.
- The Express, which has gone full Nazi, reports Betty Truss’s fury at Britain being excluded from EU scientific schemes because we chose to leave the EU which…er…operates the schemes for the EU.
- The Sun leads on the death of Darius Campbell Danesh, Ryan Giggs who can’t keep his flies done up and Georgia Someone, who’s back on “I’m A Celeb”.
- The Guardian reports on the next prime minister Betty Truss who described British workers as needing “more graft” and lacking the “skill and application” of foreign workers, including the Chinese.
I report these snippets as an act of public service because I am well aware that hardly anyone under the age of 60 buys a physical newspaper these days, not even me, a lapsed Guardian reader who grew sick of the hard left lunacy of Owen Jones and didn’t want any of my money to end up in his wallet. There’s nothing much to add to those very brief reviews of the front pages, except to say that newspapers know their readership, almost as famously described by the honourable James Hacker MP in Yes Prime Minister.
What the newspapers in general show how out of touch I am with what apparently constitutes news these days. I have never heard of Danesh, who apparently appeared on Pop Idol, yet another TV show I seem to have missed. I was only interested in Ryan Giggs when he was, unfortunately, leading Manchester United to numerous trophies and avoiding playing for Wales. I don’t know who ‘Georgia’ is and I could not be less interested in ‘I’m a Celeb’, another show I am proud to never have seen, but clearly there are those whose live revolves around watching Nadine Dorries eating Ostrich anus live on TV. Whatever floats your boat, I suppose. Only the Financial Times leads with the news of a record fall in wages which will contribute to the hardship many people will feel lasting well into 2024. Never mind going without food or eating. The papers will keep you in the loop on the things that really matter.
To be fair, I am only quoting from the front pages. I am sure that on Page 94, tucked away below Astrology and Bingo numbers there will reports on the latest inflation figures which show a rise of 10.1%, following hot of heels that the average fuel bill will be circa £4500 a year from next April. Either the newspapers think their readers aren’t interested in these eye-watering numbers or they’d rather they didn’t find out? It’s one or the other.
In the end, newspapers exist for two reasons: to sell as many copies as possible and to make money. In that order. During Covid, newspapers were subsidised by the taxpayer – yes, you and me – and now the cold wind of recession is affecting them too, as well the change to people working from home. The latter has had a devastating effect on newspaper sales because less people are commuting and that is why editors and proprietors are campaigning to send people back to the office in order for commuters to buy their rags. Yes, it’s that cynical.
Given how few people actually buy newspapers, it’s incredible that they apparently remain so wedded to the national debate. Over 98% of us don’t buy them. But they do perform several functions. First, they can carry political messages from politicians by way of proprietors and editors and they thrill those whose lives almost literally depend on who’s on ‘I’m a Celeb’ and someone who was on Pop Idol 20 years ago.
It takes all sorts, I suppose, but it’s not hard to see why people get their news elsewhere these days. Who wants to read some here today, gone tomorrow politician accusing them of being lazy compared with foreigners? Not Sun readers, I’m sure.
