Having worked out some years ago that the best way of avoiding future shocks is to prepare for them; thinking through how the likely consequences will relate to certain actions. One simple example occurred in 2011 when my father died and I hadn’t thought through what things would be like on the journey to his home in Canada and the subsequent funeral. I had a total meltdown at check-in when I was asked whether the purpose of my trip was business or pleasure. The same thing happened when I got to the gate before boarding. Once I got on the aircraft, I played the whole thing through in my head in rare thorough detail and I never broke down again. It worked. Now, I have made the same mistake with my diagnosis of ADHD. All my energy had been expended preparing for the assessment and I thought nothing about what would happen next. Now I am in a place called limbo.
As soon as my assessment was over, I felt satisfied. I knew now why I couldn’t concentrate, learn or maintain information and why I could rarely keep still. This explained my dismal academic career and my less than modest professional achievements. I could now move on, perhaps with the addition of even more drugs, and live my life better. At least that’s what I thought. But in the days that have passed, nothing has changed. And I shouldn’t have been surprised by that.
Was I looking at the assessment and diagnosis as a turning point in the sense that I would no longer have ADHD and I’d be more like other people? I’m not sure I thought anything at all. Today I’m thinking: what the hell comes next? What the hell comes next comes at a heavy price.
My decision to abandon my principles and ‘go private’ instead of waiting for between four and six years for an NHS assessment came at a price, too, because that is the whole point of the run-for-profit health business. I have no doubt that the medical professionals, like the one who assessed me, were sincere in their desire to get to the bottom of my condition but of course a private company wants to make money and the only people who can provide money are people like me, which is why I have been offered various packages at enormous cost. Had I thought this through – because it was inevitable this would happen – perhaps I would not be in this state of limbo. I could have prepared myself for a future of more of the same with ADHD, but armed with a diagnosis to explain it or I could have committed myself to spending thousands of pounds in future treatment. Spoiler alert: I am not going to spend thousands of pounds more.
It’s the same thing with private therapy and counselling. I’ve always avoided both because at the front of my mind was the fear that I might spend a fortune and it wouldn’t be of any benefit. A total waste of money. In my life, I’ve had more therapists and counsellors than hot dinners (not really) and few have made much difference. Indeed, some have made things worse. I’m not sure I want to shell out money to make things worse.
Instead, I’m inclined to go back to the NHS now I’ve saved it the cost of an assessment and ask what it has got for me. One thing the company is offering is Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) which I’ve had on a few occasions to little effect. They’re saying it’s specifically tailored for ADHD so let’s see if the NHS, which recently offered me more CBT, can do something similar? I won’t hold my breath .
That’s the importance of preparation for you. It’s not a strategy that always works all the time, particularly because I don’t know how it worked, but in general I will adhere to it.
I’m sure my newly diagnosed attention deficit will make for a difficult few months, as I prepare for a future where nothing might change. As ever, there are more questions than answers.
