That old staple of TV and radio, the time-filling review of ‘today’s papers’, could soon be making its debut on this blog. In common with everyone under 60 – and I am not among that number – I don’t buy a physical newspaper anymore so what I do read is essentially on-line and for free. But a quick scan of today’s ‘front pages’ illustrates the sheer lunacy of the press. Just look at the headlines:
- Sunday Express – ‘BRITAIN’S NOT EQUIPPED FOR ALL OUT WAR’.
- Telegraph – ‘HOLLOWED OUT FORCES NOT READY TO FIGHT RUSSIA’.
- The Sun – ‘BRAVE KATE BACK’.
- Sunday Times – ‘WE WILL HOLD IRAN TO ACCOUNT VOWS CAMERON’.
- The Star – ‘KILLER GHOST KEEPS FLUSHING MY BOG.’
Obviously, the most concerning ‘story’ is the last one in which Chuckle Brother Paul describes his horror at the alleged presence of an evil spirit who pulls the toilet flush in the dead of night. It’s concerning because – and I am sorry to disappoint you if you didn’t already know – there are no evil spirits or ghosts. The worlds of the supernatural and paranormal are totally made up. If someone is flushing Chuckle Brother Paul’s in the middle of the night, I suggest he installs some improved door locks and perhaps a burglar alarm.
The Sun leads on the news that TV presenter Kate Garraway is returning to her day job on Good Morning Britain following her husband’s funeral. Let me say first that it would be heartless to not feel a level of sympathy for anyone who loses a loved one. Let me also say that ordinary folk do this all the time. This is not to belittle the grief and distress she must be feeling because most of us have been there in one way or another. Losing a loved, or even a liked, one is tough but here’s the thing: life goes on.
After a brief period of mourning, I had to return to work after the deaths of my parents in 1999 and 2011. I didn’t feel particularly brave in returning to the activity that put bread on the table, almost certainly because I wasn’t brave. I was just doing what you do. I doubt that Garraway regards herself as ‘brave’ either. She’s going back to work. It will be difficult, sure, because everyone knows why you were off work for a short while but no one is going to give you a medal. It’s the world of the red tops, a make believe world where the lives of celebrities are exulted and displayed for the benefit of their voyeuristic readers. In truth, they are no more special than you and me, they’re just good at something we aren’t, just like we are good at something they aren’t.
Well, that’s the big news out of the way and move on to the right-wing newspapers who are concerned about the end of the world (as we know it).
Is the news, if it is news, that Britain is apparently not prepared for all out war a surprise to anyone? Apparently, says the Express, “our weapons stockpile is ‘far below’ the level required to counter a threat from the Russian army”. Digging deeper into the front page splash, it turns out that the story, such as it is, is based on ‘an exclusive opinion poll’ which reveals that eight out of 10 people think World War Three will break out within five years and nearly half the population want to reintroduce conscription to bolster armed services numbers, which basically means older people, who won’t get called up, want younger people – you know, their sons, daughters and grandchildren – to die for their country. The old people of today, eh? Sadly, there is no space on the front page of the Express to inform their elderly readers what awful people they are.
Of course we are not equipped for all out war. We’re a relatively small island with a nuclear deterrent (which I support) and Russia is armed to the teeth with nuclear weapons. If the Russians decide to turn the UK into ash, at least we will have the consolation of landing a few bombs on the Kremlin. Have that, Putin. We will be far too dead to notice, anyway.
And the less said about our well fed foreign secretary, Lord Dave Cameron threatening Iran with unspecified retaliation, the better. Empty words, the man’s speciality subject.
The newspaper you read says a lot about your politics. You buy a newspaper that conforms to your views and confirms your biases, so if, for example, you read the Telegraph or the Mail, it is fair to say that you are old, from the hard right hang ’em and flog ’em brigade and regard people who do good things as woke. In short, you may well be a kindly, family loving person but you also have a bit of the night about you.
So, a regular newspaper review? Maybe not, then. I’ll leave that nonsense to the permanently angry and the hard of thinking. All it does is show how utterly bonkers the best selling newspapers have become. A small country not equipped to find an all out war with a nuclear superpower, woman goes back to work after a bereavement and a ghost in the shitter? Not for me, ta. If that’s what floats your boat on a Sunday morning, I can only offer sympathy, in the most patronising sense possible.
