I regret to inform you, my loyal reader, that I have been struck down with that most dreadful disease, Man Flu. If I had a female reader, she would never understand just how debilitating it is. My nose is a dripping tap, I woke up repeatedly last night with a dry mouth and today I have the energy levels of someone with no energy. Girls, you just have no idea.
My first assumption with any virus these days is to take a Covid test. When we were in Canada back in the fall, as they call it over there, Covid arrived in the form of what I thought was a stinking cold. Then the horrendous, it turned out, 100 day cough, plus achey bones, tiredness and brain fog, all came next and the Covid test result was inevitable. It couldn’t possibly be Covid again, could it? Full of antibodies and vaccine this time, it wasn’t.
When Boris Johnson told us “you must stay at home” when the pandemic began, an incredible four years ago – how can it be four years ago? – never seeing anyone meant hopefully not catching Covid but it also meant not catching pretty well anything else. People kept their germs to themselves, which was really thoughtful of them. The return to normal, while very welcome, has brought back Man Flu and trust me, it’s worse than ever.
I am still at a loss as to why science hasn’t come up with a cure for Man Flu, or indeed the far lesser common cold, given the way various geniuses produced life-saving vaccines when Covid was all over us. I’ve been crippled – a slight exaggeration – with frequent bouts of Man Flu throughout my life and it’s the sheer pointlessness of it that gets me. What possesses a virus to chuck snot out of one’s system, to make you cough like you’re a 60 Woodbine a day man, to send you to bed early when you’re feeling particularly sorry for yourself? An absolute bastard of a virus, created on behalf of people I haven’t been nice to along the way.
Still, it could be worse, I keep being told. But what could be worse than this? I feel rubbish and there’s no cure. I just have to grin and bear it, brave, like A Real Man.
