Let’s get ready to rumble

I am trying to be nicer, kinder, more respectful and tolerant – honest – but with regards to the forthcoming coronation of King Charles, who the last time I looked was already called King Charles, I am beginning to struggle. Each to their own, and all that, and I know a significant minority of the Great British Public is seriously looking forward to the event, but the more I hear about it, the less nice, kind, respectful and tolerant I become.

It’s not just the sheer cost of it, estimated at some £100 million, paid for by you and me, while millions of Charles’ subjects are having to visit food banks in order to avoid starving to death, or the coming refurbishment of Buckingham Palace, coming in at a mere £369 million, although doubtless costs will double by the time the building has been completely tarted up, it’s now some of the daft pronouncements of the Archbishop of Canterbury, one Justin Welby that trouble me.

We are going to be asked to say a pledge of allegiance to the King when he is crowned on Saturday. Says frock-wearing Justin: “(I want to hear) a great cry around the nation and around the world of support for the King.” Instead of getting a bunch of hereditary peers to get on their knees to do the job, he wants a new Homage of the people. He will say: “All persons of goodwill in The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, and of the other Realms and the Territories to make their homage, in heart and voice, to their undoubted King, defender of all”.

To be honest, I’m a bit baffled by what this is supposed to mean. My dictionary tells me that in this case homage means “respect shown towards someone or something you admire or to a person in authority.” Well, the fact is that I don’t much respect Prince Charles but nor do I disrespect him. I’ve always believed that one earns respect and it isn’t just handed out willy-nilly to someone like someone who has ascended to the throne simply because the accident of his birth. But it gets worse.

The order of service will read: “All who so desire, in the Abbey, and elsewhere, say together: “All: I swear that I will pay true allegiance to Your Majesty, and to your heirs and successors according to law. So help me God.” We will then have a fanfare after which Justin will say, “God Save The King“, to which everyone in attendance and the millions watching around the world (I know, I’ve made it sound like one of Michael Buffer’s boxing introductions) will reply, “Let’s get ready to rumble!” No, sorry, I got carried away there. I mean, “God Save King Charles. Long Live King Charles. May The King live forever.” I am not sure what Charles needs to be saved from, although perhaps it’s a reference to his adultery in the past and it’s stretching it to suggest he will live forever, but if he does I suppose it will save us having to fork out for another coronation any time soon.

So the upshot of next week’s Big Day is that presumably to make sure we are all paying attention, when Justin gives the signal, we are all to stop what we are doing and say out loud: “I swear that I will pay true allegiance to Your Majesty, and to your heirs and successors according to law. So help me God.” You may get a few strange looks if you are at the deli in Morrisons but I suppose it would surely be no more bizarre than the actual occasion itself.

From moderate, middle of the road monarchy agnostic, this stuff and nonsense is starting to turn me into a card carrying republican, albeit one with a small r.

I shall be avoiding the entire shindig in favour of  doing something far more productive, like listening to music or going to the pub and I certainly won’t be asking the god I don’t believe in to save the head of an institution for which I have little respect.

I end with the words of a Lambeth palace spokesman (it simply had to be a spokesman rather than a spokeswoman in the Church of England, didn’t it?):

“The Homage of the People is particularly exciting because that’s brand new. That’s something that we can share in because of technological advances, so not just the people in the abbey, but people who are online, on television, who are listening, and who are gathered in parks, at big screens and churches. Our hope is at that point, when the archbishop invites people to join in, that people wherever they are, if they’re watching at home on their own, watching the telly, will say it out loud – this sense of a great cry around the nation and around the world of support for the King.”

What next? Thank god for the internet? Still, it will be great for tourism because tourists are money and we should all be grateful for all those temporary minimum wage jobs that the coronation will provide.

Now, I’ll try to go back to being nicer, kinder, more respectful and tolerant, but it may have to wait until after next week’s grotesque waste of public money (in my opinion).