It’s just emotions taking me over

In the old days, when no one needed to lock the front door when they went out, Britain still had an Empire and when children did what they were told for fear of a harsh beating, football was a game for gentlemen. Players called the referee ‘Sir’, no one swore and if someone scored a goal, a raucous celebration would be a friendly handshake and a pat on the back. The thing is, having spent decades playing very badly in local football, how were they so restrained?

COVID-19 has meant that we are not supposed to touch each other, never mind hug or kiss each other. And professional footballers often do both after a goal. Some people are getting angry about it.

Look at the guidelines issued to players (above) and you will see that they are guidelines only insomuch that Audi drivers have indicators on their cars, which is to say they are rarely used. Players are still gobbing out unwanted phlegm, clearing their noses of unwanted bogeys, players are hugging, they are swapping shirts and all the rest of it. You might think these can all be stopped, but can it?

If I played in what I considered to be A Big Game, I did not so much want to congratulate the scorer of a vital goal: I wanted to fully embrace him and tell him how much I loved him. And at that moment I really did love him. Admittedly, there was no COVID around on the field at the Civil Service Club in Filton, but even if there had, I would not have thought twice about almost making love to an unshaven brute of a centre forward, even if it did mean being struck down with the virus. I mean, I wouldn’t choose to risk my life but, Christ, this was a big goal. Gently banging elbows would not have been enough.

But we are in dangerous times and we need to control our emotions, no matter how impossible that is. I’m a hugger and a kisser by nature and these social distancing restrictions stop me being who and what I am, which is hopefully not a sex pest. The argument, a very valid one, is that if we can summon the strength and fortitude to not touch family and friends, then footballers can surely stopping hugging and kissing each other. Or are we, once again, giving them a free pass to do things we are not allowed to do? It’s not as simple as that.

If park players can completely lose the plot celebrating in the third division of the Bristol and Suburban League – and trust me they do: I know I did – then how can Roberto Firmino feel when he is completing his hat trick tomorrow against Manchester United? I defy anyone who knows the first thing about football to acknowledge an important, or even unimportant, goal, even against the bottom of the league team, never mind your most hated opponents?

If any Premier League player is reading this – yeah, right – then try to contain your elation when your team scores. Good luck with that one. If I see any player react like that, I’d suggest he doesn’t care too much about the team he is playing for.