It would be churlish indeed not to congratulate ‘Prince’ Harry Windsor in making fourth place in the Amazon book chart. ‘Spare’ is just behind, or possibly miles behind, Nathan Anthony’s ‘Bored of Lunch’, Miriam Margoyles’ ‘This Much Is True’ and ‘A Pinch of Nom’ by Kay Allinson and Kate Allinson. Amazon, in common with other retailers, is flogging Harry’s memoir at half-price so it’s probably just as well he didn’t flog it for its full price of *checks notes* £28. Just think that if you buy my miserable, ill-lettered book about Corfu, you’d immediately save yourself over four quid. What are you waiting for?
For all it’s flaws, I can at least say that I wrote every word and my partner put the words in the right order. I had no spin team, no Netflix documentary, no peak time ITV interview and no ghostwriter. Oh, and I’m not the son of the monarch, so a few obvious differences there. That, I fear, why it disappeared virtually without trace.
You just know that much of the media – and you can probably guess which ‘much’ I am writing about – has had the headlines waiting for days. ‘Harry’s big flop’, ‘Lots of ‘Spare’ copies’ and ‘Serves the fucker right’ are ready to roll and you also just know that the haters are hating like never before. Piers Morgan, Jeremy Clarkson and every third rate hack are just sitting there waiting with a large bucket of shit to tip over Harry Windsor. Metaphorically, perhaps, but I wouldn’t put it past them.
So, you probably won’t ask me, whose side are you on? That’s not difficult. I have a modicum of sympathy for this damaged and badly advised young man and nothing but utter contempt for our sick and twisted media. But in stark terms, I am not on anyone’s side in this. The whole thing is an almighty distraction.
Meanwhile, the country continues its journey to hell in a handcart. In Brand Rishi Sunak we have Schrödinger’s prime minister, a man who is and isn’t in office at the same time. As poverty increases, with people unable to heat or eat, with the country entering a long recession and front line workers going on strike, we’re supposed to be consumed with this royal shit show. Plenty of people are, but I’ll tell you what: plenty of us aren’t. Just look at the TV viewing figures for Monday night when ITV’s interview with Harry was trounced by the BBC’s brilliant Happy Valley. Yes, it is slightly disturbing to note that some 4.1 million people watched Harry Windsor. But 5.2 million watched Happy Valley and some 59 million found something better to do altogether.
I am the last person who is qualified to give Harry some advice but here it comes anyway. I reckon that behind closed doors, you’re an okay guy. You’ve been brought up in a chronically dysfunctional family and you lost your mother, tragically, when you were very young. You had the best education money could buy but because, like the rest of your family, you’re not the sharpest tool in the box, you didn’t do very well. You served your country with distinction and then undid all that by providing us with a body count of dead Taliban members – by the way: it was all for nothing because the Taliban won in the end – and you married a beautiful American actor. You love her, she loves you; you both love your children. You have shed loads of money and you can now do what the hell what you want for the rest of your life, away from everything and everyone you hate. Things don’t have to be this way. We know that much of the hate is fuelled by your wife’s colour, which is a helpful reminder that the world has a long way to go when it comes to racism, and we know, thanks to this book, these TV shows and interviews that the die is now cast. Much of what you have said cannot be unsaid and life will never be the same. For you, young Mr Windsor, that need not be a bad thing.
As our sordid media, and indeed large numbers of ordinary folk, prepare for you to fail, it turns out that ‘Spare’ is the fastest selling non-fiction book ever, with something like 400,000 copies in different forms shifted today. That’s only just short of 400,000 copies more than my wretched book has managed in nearly seven years. If Harry’s book is a flop, Christ alone knows how you would describe mine.
My main point is this: there’s more important stuff going on in the world than this outsize reality show, which is really what it is. If the haters are happy with their hating, you can be sure Rishi Sunak and his pals are delighted that they can continue to steer this country even further up Shit Creek without anyone paying due attention. If there’s a major political crisis, just call the royals. That’s how it has always worked and how it still works today.
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