I’m mad as hell

‘I’m mad as hell”, shouted Peter Finch’s character Howard Beale in the brilliant movie Network, adding “and I’m not going to take this any more.” The words were later reprised by the popular beat combo outfit The Chemical Brothers in their tune ‘MAH’ and that’s pretty well how I feel today. Well, certainly the first bit, anyway. The second bit is slightly trickier. When you’re “mad as hell”, still crazy after all these years, if you will, like I am in the mental health department, it seems I literally will have to “take this” Ad Infinitum. Still, on the 10th October, it’s going to be World Mental Health Day with this year’s theme being ‘Mental Health in an Unequal World’. Hallelujah!

World Mental Health Day is that special day when various royals and celebrities are wheeled-out to tell us, with the best possible intentions, that “it’s okay to not be okay”, that all you need do is talk to someone and your demons will disappear, everyone, especially your employer,  who will be ultra sympathetic and Boris Fucking Johnson will lie, because that’s what he does, about how his government is taking mental health seriously. And those of us who wake up every day, hoping something will turn up to make our lives better, go to bed knowing it hasn’t. And when we go to bed on 10th October, politicians can sigh with relief that they won’t have to feign sympathy for people with mental health issues for another year.

I look at the state of our NHS in terms of mental health provision and I feel like crying, not just for me but for every poor bugger struggling against the black dog. I’ve been knocked back by my local health centre who say that there is nothing left for me. I am not allowed to take more antidepressants, there is no therapy left unless I completely lose my mind. Partially losing it doesn’t count. Snap out of it and stop feeling sorry for yourself. “If you have a full-on breakdown or a failed suicide we can section you, lock you up. Anything short of that, jog on, pal.”

I’m on the waiting list for an adult ADHD assessment, by way of recommendation of my GP and umpteen therapists. I decided to drop the ADHD people a line asking when and if I might be seen and assessed.  Here’s the gist of the reply:

Re: ADHD Assessment Waiting List Query to patient 

Thank you for your query about the waiting list for an ADHD assessment.

However, we are currently experiencing long waits within the clinic with more referred patients than we have commissioned capacity for. We apologise for the delay. This problem has unfortunately been exacerbated by service closures due the COVID crisis.

Due to this over-subscription we are not able to answer individual queries about when an appointment will be offered. This will be calculated on when you were referred and we cannot expedite referrals. Please do not phone the office and ask about waiting times as our administrative team cannot provide with any more detail than provided here.

If additional support is required whilst waiting for an appointment we suggest that support from primary care services (i.e. GP or mental health services) is sought. 

Yours sincerely,

ADHD Service

PS Stop wasting my time. (I might have made this last bit up.)

Now here’s the thing. I only went on the NHS waiting list on 7th April this year. But my request for an assessment was in 2019. It took two years of waiting just to get on a waiting list which my GP at the time told me was years long. So there’s basically an unofficial waiting list to get on the waiting list which I’ll wager doesn’t count towards NHS waiting list figures. (Actually, I don’t need to wager anything: a GP told me that this was exactly what happens and not just in trivial medical matters such as mental health.)

So, I’ll make do with World Mental Health Day. I’ll buy a little badge to wear which no one will understand unless they ask me what it’s for (“it’s because I’m mad as hell”, I shall say) and I’ll wait for the post person to deliver my appointment letter, always assuming I don’t die first.