After a brilliant weekend, which lifted my spirits immeasurably, I still feel the need to explain my depression and anxiety, on the basis of a brilliantly thought-provoking comment from an old friend (and he is old, older than me). I realise that my writing style is probably not the best, with mangled grammar and sometimes poor proof-reading, so when I was made aware of something that isn’t the case, but might have appeared to have been, I feel the need to set the record straight, if only to myself. And that point was as follows: are my issues caused by others?
The simple answer to that is no. I have no idea why I’m a mental basket case; always have been, probably always will be. I’ve been reminded today that a happy weekend does not equal a mental health recovery and I’m thinking too much again.
My depression is pretty well always there, with life sometimes seen through a light mist, at other times through a thick fog. Sometimes I feel okay, other times I feel terrible. I can usually cope with both situations, just about, even when I am at my lowest point. This requires tolerance, understanding and, dare I say it, love from those around me and most of the time I get that. Allowing me to be me helps see me through. But the unthinking attitudes of others can and have recently sent me over the edge, to the extent that I got quite close to a breakdown. In fact, I did break down in front of people I did not expect or want to break down in front of and when their reaction was the exact opposite to what I needed, it was just too much. Whilst some people took me down, others brought me up again and now, in the words of Jon Bon Jovi, I’m “halfway there”.
You’ve read enough of my demons, I suspect. If I carry on like this, it will read more like I am wallowing in a pool of self-pity, something I regret does have the ring of truth to it.
What I am trying to say is that the actions of others can affect some, perhaps not all, people who suffer with the black dog. Some people bring you up, some take you down and it is the latter group which takes you by surprise.
I’m finding it very hard to forgive – yes, forgive – people I consider took me to a still darker place. They are not the cause of all this shit, but they helped make a bad thing worse.
