I have a soft spot for Chris Martin, lead singer of middle of the road popular beat combo outfit Coldplay. While I find the band’s music dreary, generic and unchallenging, Martin comes across as a thoroughly decent chap, except when he is chosen to “curate” the World Cup’s half-time show. What the actual fuck was he thinking about?
Why are we having a half-time show anyway? The obvious answer is that most of this wretched tournament is taking place in the USA USA USA so the idiots who run FIFA have concluded that if the American Cup Final, the Super Bowl, can have a half-time show, then why can’t football?
We are used to half-time entertainment at football matches, although at least until now it has taken place during the designated half-time break and the football has not been arranged around it. Whether it’s a pop singer, some dancers or whatever, it’s something most of us put up with when we are in the pasty or cider queue. Most of us would rather listen to the PA announcer read out the half-time scores from elsewhere or just spin some discs, as well as interviewing an ex-player who does the meat raffle. It seems the USA World Cup half-time break will be half an hour long or maybe even longer.
Martin has apparently persuaded the likes of Shakira, Madonna and BTS to perform (lip sync) and I can’t for the life of me think why. If the worst came to the worst, couldn’t Coldplay just mime a few of their hits while the rest of us grab another beer from the fridge? Much as I like Shakira and Madonna – I am afraid I have no clue about who and what BTS are – if I want to listen to their music, I’ll put a record on or maybe watch a video on YouTube.
For players, the break will seem interminable. They will likely be sweating like pigs when they arrive in the changing room and then they will sit around for ages until Madonna finishes her set. Despite having the best medical care money can buy, I can’t help wondering if the players will be vulnerable to muscle injuries such as hamstring twang when they finally return to the pitch.
It was bad enough in the old days at Bristol Rovers when, on two occasions, a group of very young girls, who were called the Blue Flames, found themselves dancing to Gary Glitter’s Rock and Roll Christmas (and this was long after Glitter’s conviction for downloading child pornography). Look, it was extremely funny at the time and at least half-time was not extended to accommodate the performance but ask your average fan what they want at half-time and I can virtually guarantee the answer will be along the lines of, anything but a live performance by anyone.
I am fully expecting the players to be introduced to the crowd by the legendary boxing announcer Michael ‘Let’s Get Read To Rumble’ Buffer because that’s how these things are done across the pond. Doubtless there will be pyrotechnics on display – fireworks work SO well in broad daylight, don’t they? – and a million dancing girls marching up and down the hallowed turf. And somewhere, there will be a football match watched by a majority of people who are there not because they love football but because they have loads of money.
But it’s the half-time show I dread most. I will watch whichever channel doesn’t show it, unless that channel is ITV in which case I might turn the telly off and do something worthwhile, like cutting the grass.
Chris Martin came across really well when he turned up at the Stag in Hinton Charterhouse and played a couple’s wedding song for them. He has gone right down in my estimation given his world cup plans because I thought he was better than that. But money talks, I suppose. And that, sadly, is what football is all about these days.
