It was last Monday which was supposed to be The Most Depressing Day Of The Year™ but I’m finding today much harder work. For one thing, last week for the most part, gave us glorious sunny days with barely a cloud in the sky. Today, it’s been the polar opposite and I’ve been toying with the idea of propping open my eyes with matches. I’ve been having brain fog, too, to the extent that when I heard one of my favourite songs on BBC 6 Music earlier on I could not remember the name of the band, nor the name of the departed singer, Joy Division and Ian Curtis respectively. It was Love Will Tear Us Apart, by the way, as it will be for most people like me who are less familiar with the rest of the band’s work than they should be.
When the brain fog descends, I worry about the state of my brain. Was I always this bad at remembering things with which I am highly familiar? Every week, I visit a man who suffers from vascular dementia, a disease I would not wish on my worst enemy, never mind a lovely man who has always done the right thing and never harmed anyone. Anyway, he can remember details from decades ago, but can’t remember what happened earlier in the day. Worse than that, he knows why he can’t remember stuff. When I can’t remember stuff – places, people, the names of popular beat combo outfits – it makes me wonder.
I drove across Bristol today and it felt like I was driving through a never-ending twilight. Just after lunchtime, I was driving around with my car headlights on, peering through the gloom. I started yawning and immediately opened the driver’s side window to make sure I didn’t close my eyes. I did that once, many years ago, driving across the Avonmouth bridge on the M5, probably just for a second or two, but I was so shocked I left the motorway at the Avonmouth exit, got out of my car and walked around, taking in huge breaths. It happened on a day like today.
I don’t feel any more depressed than usual today, just sluggish and lethargic. The air feels very heavy and oppressive and the only way I will be able to get out of it will be to draw the house curtains and put the lights on. I don’t think I have SAD and I am sure plenty of people feel like I do today. It’s probably the worst day of the year and it’s hard to imagine the sun is up there in sky at all.
From tomorrow, everything changes. The sun comes out and by Thursday it will be T shirt weather in Bristol, with a maximum temperature of 13c. I might even get my summer shorts out of the cupboard, just to upset the neighbours. Either way, I hope to feel a bit brighter than this. It’s the middle of winter and it still feels like it.
