From 26th July 2022 to 8th August 2022, the 15th Lambeth Conference is to take place, presumably in Lambeth. This is what the website says: “Convened by The Archbishop of Canterbury in 2022, the Lambeth Conference is a gathering of bishops from across the Anglican Communion for prayer and reflection, fellowship and dialogue on church and world affairs.” 650 of them from around the world will consider a wide variety of calls, or motions as us labour movement folk would call them. It should be a bundle of fun.
Just look at the timetable. There are bishops’ retreats as well as spouses’s retreats, quite possibly kept separate because, as frequent conference goers will know a few jars too many after a hard day’s conferencing and you never know what might happen. And hard work it certainly appears to be.
Obviously, there’s loads of praying. That goes without saying, plus ‘bible studies’, which seems a bit odd for people who read bibles for a living – you’d think they know it inside out by now – plus plenary, seminars, more spouse events and that old salesman’s favourite the keynote address. My advice to anyone attending is to have your Bullshit Bingo card at the ready for the latter, in case an international inspirational speaker turns up.
It all seems to be quite harmless until the agenda concentrates on sex and worst of all gay people having sex, or even being gay in the first place. To quote from The Guardian, “The agenda includes one that calls for a reaffirmation of a position that “upholds marriage as between a man and a woman”, that “legitimising or blessing of same-sex unions” cannot be advised, and that “it is the mind of the Anglican communion as a whole that same-gender marriage is not permissible”.”
Some bishops – and let’s have no tasteless ‘bashing the bishop’ jokes here, please – argue that people should be able to marry just who the hell they like while others are appalled by the very idea of equal marriage. Some countries like Rwanda, Nigeria and Uganda are boycotting the Conference because some Anglican churches are quite happy to allow same-sex marriages. To be honest, I think it’s their loss.
When it comes to fence sitting, have a read of this from the Church of England website: “The law prevents ministers of the Church of England from carrying out same-sex marriages. And although there are no authorised services for blessing a same-sex civil marriage, your local church can still support you with prayer.” What a fucking relief. Your church hates you for being gay and God certainly does but it will support you with a prayer to a God who, to many God-fearing folk, hates gays.
I’ve got a simple solution which I offer, cost free, to God’s chief vicar on Earth, Justin Welby. If you don’t believe in sex with someone from the same sex, then don’t have it. If you don’t believe in marrying someone from the same sex, then don’t do it. And perhaps if many of you stopped wearing frocks when carrying out your work it might just make your bigotry a little easier to understand, but perhaps not by much.
What these presumably well-meaning vicars seem to forget is that people are what they are. For instance, I didn’t make a distinct choice to be attracted to women, or to enjoy drinking Ruddles County ale, or to have a preference for Canadian Mature Cheddar Cheese or enjoy listening to the music of Steely Dan. These things just happened. And more specifically, people don’t choose to be straight or gay. Mind you, how anyone could be attracted to Boris Johnson, enjoy drinking Magners ‘cider’, enjoy mild Cheddar and listen to Queen is well beyond me, but that’s for another day.
Enjoy your Conference, lads and lasses, and let your hair down once the business of the day has concluded by having a drink and remembering at all times to wear a condom. At least with this church no one objects to that. Yet.
