All of my hope is gone

Even Cornershop ft Bubbley Kaur’s Topknot cannot lift my sunken mood today. I reached a new waypoint yesterday from which I know I can never move forward. Life’s rich pageant served notice that no matter how I try, I will spend the rest of my professional life dancing to someone else’s tune being played on a broken record player. Life goes on but, from now on, all of my hope is gone.

Perhaps, if things had turned out differently, I would be the master of my own destiny. If I had been taught, guided and mentored instead of being abandoned to a life of autodidactism – I blame everyone, including me – how different things could have been. But it is how it is.

I felt, no longer feel, I had so much to offer. Despite a near total absence of skills and qualifications, I knew I could make a difference to people’s lives. But no more. Even the destruction of my mental health by those evil bastards at the British Red Cross nearly four years ago, followed by a partial recovery in the years since, could not stop me dreaming.  Reluctantly, I have to accept that dreams of success were just that: dreams. And my dreams these days are generally exhausting nightmares.

There was always a part of my mind that felt one day someone, somewhere would see what I had to offer the world. Turns out my mind was lying. Unless you are born into wealth, you have to reach out and grab what’s yours. Trouble is, I never knew where to reach and what was mine.

I never knew how to better myself and my life and now I know I never will. “It’s so cruel what your mind can do for no reason,” sings the wonderful Arlo Parks in her song Black Dog. Once again the words of others sums up how I feel.

Finally, more words, this time from Crowded House:

Hey now, hey now
Don’t dream it’s over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won’t win

But ‘they’ have won. And nothing’s going to change that now.