Excitement continues to build for tonight’s annual cricket piss up at the Bristol Golf Club.
The club itself has spent the last week bringing in lorry loads of additional booze although the absence of Rutter means they have not had to import the usual supplies of Guinness.
Speculation is rife as to who will win the various awards and He Swiped, He Missed suspects the awards will pan out as follows.
The player of the year award is likely to be between Calum Meaney-May who has brought a new meaning to the term ‘all rounder’, Jack Burton for his unique and refreshing dress sense and Chucker Lamb who has become almost as bad at bowling as he is at batting.
HSHM tip: Calum May-Meaney
Best newcomer is a much tighter affair.
Nigel’s civil partner Henry Winterman is a contender, although his form deteriorated as quickly as his alcohol consumption increased. Little Taff Russell, who is a dead ringer for his father with the added bonus that he is actually good at cricket. Finally, the bookies favourite is Bob who debuted for the village in the sixes event after the Sheriff, with too many Thatchers Gold under his considerable belt, invited the previously unknown old chap to play, only to find out he was in his mid eighties and had not played cricket since 1958.
HSHM tip: Bob
Clubman of the year is a worthless award, usually given to someone who turns up week in, week out, despite being no good at cricket. It’s the sympathy award, really, and ‘He Swiped, He Missed’ can exclusively reveal Nigel Nesnahoj is a shoe-in. Of course, it will be dressed up with some bollocks about him being an essential part of the club, much loved and all that tosh but at least it should keep him away from the bar for five minutes.
Finally, the prestigious ‘Worst performance of the five halves’ is almost certain to head to quietly spoken Matt Simple after a truly embarrassing attempt at the sixes.
A full report will appear on this site tomorrow.
