By our correspondent with the glass of Stowford Press and a red nose.
The annual cricket presentation took place at the Bristol Golf Club last night and ended in the usual alcoholic chaos.
Players and their families met at the Beaufort to board an elderly bus hired by gorgeous, pouting Sharon Stephens and it was immediately clear that many of those attending had made an early start on the booze.
Upon arrival at the Bristol, the villagers immediately made their way to the bar for urgent supplies.
Red faced veteran Paul Long had done a very good job with the seating arrangements. The In Betweeners table, featuring portly student Nigel, Matt Semple, Naked Nathan, Fraser Moron, ‘Flash’ Harry Black, Joe Black in his school uniform and Pretty Boy Guy Long was strategically situated as far from the more civilised diners as humanly possible, next to the Next Generation of villagers including Taff Junior, Lewis Jefferies, Nigel’s brother Stefanie, Dan ‘Mine’s a Carling’ Wiltshire and Jamie Black.
At the other end were the more sedate, senior members apart from the loved-up section with Morph Meaney, Paddon, Mr Angry Lewis Daniels and assorted underdressed totty.
As ever, the food was excellent although it was noted that the Next Generation of villagers left all their vegetables in favour of vast quantities of drink and the odd bit of food. The food they were unable to consume was quickly grabbed by Nigel who ensured there was little surplus food to throw away.
The speeches were as predictable as ever. The Sheriff made a long rambling speech which was very hard to follow. The gist of it appeared to be that it had been a highly successful year for the club, apart from the fact that teams had played so badly, and it was vital that the young guns progressed through the ranks, or something like that.
Due to the length of the Sheriff’s speech, which was frequently interrupted by bouts of snoring around the room, only a few minor awards were handed out:
Clubman of the year (for services to being an old player who has seen better days) – John Dunt.
First team player of the year (and for being related to the clubman of the year – Dan ‘Five Bellies’ Dunt.
Second team player of the year – Mark ‘Cleft Foot’ Stephens (59).
Secretary and foul-mouthed gobshite Bowers passed to us the other awards which there was insufficient time (or interest) to read out.
Young player
The nominations were:
Phil Wiltshire
Paul Jefferies
John Black
Bev Woodman
Taff Russell
After careful consideration by the panel, the award went to Phil Wiltshire who proved that a complete lack of cricketing ability would be no handicap at the village.
Player of the year
The nominations were:
Stefanie Johnson
Calum ‘Morph’ Meaney
Bev Woodman
Dan Wiltshire
Foxy
This was a bit of a no brainer for the panel, especially as the winner is notorious for not having much of a brain. With a series of great performances with the bat which saw his batting average rocket into low single figures and a fielding style that reminded one of Groucho Marx chasing a pretty waitress, this was a worthy winner. As well as seeing him break into the first team near the end of the season, the unanimous view of the panel, who had spent the entire afternoon and evening in the Speakeasy consuming industrial quantities of Natch, was that there would only be one winner and that was inevitably Calum Morph Meaney.
Champagne moment of the season
This was a far more difficult category for the panel who were by now totally bollocksed. Red faced veteran Paul Long catching the ball with his nose at Brislington made him an early contender and Morph Meaney hitting a four over extra cover later in the season made people sit up and, well, sit back down again. The first team collectively provided us with great laughter the week before last by being bowled out for 42 and Harry Black provided endless entertainment throughout with a series of badly judged wides and bouncers. But the winner of the Champagne moment 2014 was Nigel Johnson’s hapless (hopeless?) father who got a bollocking from the Barrow Gurney wicket keeper for taking a piece of cake during the tea interval.
Worst dressed person at the presentation night
This was a very close call between Martin Black, who wore his finest old jeans, and father and son double act Paul Long who also wore jeans and Guy Long who appeared to be wearing jeggings. Both also forgot to wear socks and it is believed underwear. In the end the award was split between all three of them. Each win vouchers to the local charity shop to get some even worse clothes for next year, if that is at all possible.
As the booze flowed during the evening, more and more villagers stumbled onto the dance floor and we were treated to the sight of the Sheriff ‘playing’ a balloon guitar. More impressively, the Pub Landlord Mark and his lady Tracey showed Strictly Come Dancing potential, at least Tracey did, knowing not just the songs that she was dancing to but also the words of the songs.
As the evening staggered to its conclusion, someone had the less than bright idea to give the microphone to Bowers to conduct the raffle. The winners were the usual suspects but the most amusing sight was when tough guy rugby player Dan Wiltshire won a prize. As the young man weaved his way uneasily forward to collect his prize, his father Phil moved at Usain Bolt-like speed across the floor to “make sure the silly bugger doesn’t collect some chocolate when there’s still booze left.”
So many thanks to all those who have ensured that the cricket club has had such a successful season, apart from on the pitch where things have been crap.
Mark the pub landlord is 59.
