What are you doing this May? One thing I won’t be doing is going to Windsor Castle to celebrate the Queen’s 90th birthday. I have nothing against the old girl. Most people like the royal family and are in no mood to get rid of the monarchy any time soon, so let’s concentrate on other stuff. Like her birthday party line up.

I do not know who put together the line up for the Queen’s birthday booze up but just look at this list:

Kylie Minogue
Jess Glynne
Katherine Jenkins
Beverley Knight
Martin Clunes
Damian Lewis
Alfie Boe,
John Boyega
James Blunt
Jim Carter.
Jennifer Saunders
Imelda Staunton
Alan Titchmarsh

And the whole thing is introduced by Ant and Dec. I really can wait.

I know most of these names, with the exceptions of John Boyega and Jim Carter, and I am intrigued to know what it is that Mr Titchmarsh brings to the table. So far as I can tell, the great man is famous for gardening, daytime chat shows and that’s it. Will he morph dramatically into a singer or musician in front of our very eyes, or just take us for a tour of the Queen’s back garden? Christ, that will be riveting.

I will not hear a bad word about Kylie and her presence is to remind us all that we still have a Commonwealth, including Australia. Oh and because Rolf Harris is otherwise engaged.

Fittingly, the show is on ITV and not the BBC which means that, for once, I will, if I am forced to watch it, speed through the show itself and watch the adverts.

I suppose given the Queen’s great age that most the acts of her youth have long popped their clogs so she will have to make do with James Blunt and the desperately unfunny Jennifer Saunders. This will not be too much of a problem for Liz because she has spent a lifetime trying not to look bored when the rest of us would have been letting out enormous yawns and be looking at our watches from the moment the curtain rose. This is what being a royal is all about. Be honest, how many of you would really want to sit through this lot, particularly if you were not near a lavatory? If I was the Queen, I’d be asking why all the decent acts were unavailable.

Meanwhile, Ant and Dec came out with this classic line: “This spectacular evening will bring together some of the best known names in the entertainment world who will perform with 900 horses and 1,500 participants to mark this very special birthday.” So that’s it, then. Martin Clunes is going to perform with a horse. I’m glad that’s clear. You would have thought the organisers could have got hold of a few corgis to perform on the night?

Good luck to the Queen and all that and may she live for evermore. It’s marvellous, isn’t it, how most royals live well into their nineties. It must be in the genes as well as due to the fact that none of them actually have proper jobs.