What is your greatest fear?
Getting some horrible disease like Alzheimer’s and being kept alive, with all that indignity, just for the sake of it
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Extreme fussy eating is one of many traits I deplore in myself.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Lying.
What was your most embarrassing moment?
I was in a pub with some friends, loudly talking about baldness. One of the friends started kicking me under the table. Suddenly, I realised that one of them was wearing a very obvious wig. I could have died.
What is your most treasured possession?
The programme from the 1974 Steely Dan tour, signed by all five original members, plus Michael McDonald and Jeff Porcaro.
Describe yourself in three words
Honest, Depressed, Kind.
What would your superpower be?
To write as well as Clive James.
What makes you unhappy?
People who spread hate. Rishi Sunak, Nigel Farage, George Galloway – these kind of people.
What do you most dislike about your appearance?
Everything except my legs.
If you could bring something extinct back to life, what would you choose?
Clive James.
What scares you about getting older?
Nothing much. It beats the alternative.
Who is your celebrity crush?
At the moment, it’s Lauren Laverne.
What did you want to be when you were growing up?
I wanted to be a writer. I have always loved words and still get excited when I use one I’ve never used before. I used ‘kerfuffle’ for the first time ever in a blog last week.
What is the worst thing anyone’s ever said to you?
The British Red Cross Occupational Health Officer told me, at a time when I was suffering from a mental breakdown, that I was “emotionally weak”. A truly awful organisation to work for.
Would you choose fame or anonymity?
Fame. Only successful people crave anonymity. I’d have loved to have been a famous writer.
What was the last lie that you told?
When a Jehovah’s Witness came to the door, I told him I couldn’t stop to talk because I was off for my latest blood transfusion.
What does love feel like?
Going to bed with your best mate.
Have you ever said ‘I love you’ without meaning it?
I don’t think so.
What has been your biggest disappointment?
Not knowing what to do with my life. Bit late to find the answer now. That and not having the guts to insist on being called Rick until I met my life partner. I always hated Richard, the name and the person. I hate Rick the person but I love the name.
When did you last cry, and why?
The last time I broke down in fully blown blubbing was when I was being bullied and abused by junior managers at the British Red Cross. They broke me as a human being and while this was going on, long nails were driven into my car tyres while it was sitting on the drive. This was not, I later found out, a coincidence.
What would you like to leave your children?
The knowledge, I hope, that I was a good dad who gave them the opportunities that I was denied or simply wasn’t good enough to take.
What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
A Labour government.
How would you like to be remembered?
As a brilliant multimillionaire writer.
