Dear Jeremy,

You may recall – don’t worry too much if you don’t: I know you have to attend so many rallies speaking to people who already agree with you probably won’t be able to remember! – that I recently resigned from the post of shadow minister in the home office. Anyway, this is just a quick line to say I have changed my mind. I want to come back. Would you let me, please?

When I resigned, Labour was getting into a right old mess. I said that I wasn’t going to be involved in an “organised coup”, even though there wasn’t one, but, and I quote myself, “I believe that we have now reached a point that no option other than Jeremy’s resignation will allow these wounds to heal” and that your leadership had become untenable. I seem to have come to the belated conclusion that your leadership is tenable after all and I want to get back to the “New Politics” from the 1980s which you are bringing back. I know that under your great leadership, we have not the remotest prospect of getting elected ever again, but that was never the point, was it?

I am chuffed that your friend Mr Milne is “overjoyed” about my return to the shadow cabinet. I know you are short of numbers at the moment, I am happy to double up with, say the Foreign Office and maybe Education if you are struggling. Hopefully, a few more of my colleagues will beg to come back when they realise what a great man you are.

Oh, and Jezza (do you mind if I call you that, or would you prefer supreme leader?) could you have a quiet word with Mr Milne about what he said about shadow ministers drifting back to the shadow cabinet? His comment that “You saw what happened when the first miners went back to work so let’s see what happens” might not go down too well in mining areas when the first UDM scab miners returned to work, thus weakening the effects of the year long strike back in 1984.

Finally, may I quote what I said to local Labour Party members when I resigned from the front bench: “Furthermore, we face a likely general election in just a few months’ time. Should the party go into this campaign so disunited, I gravely fear for our future in British politics. The consequences of allowing a resurgent right-wing of the Tory Party and UKIP a free run at an election would be grave. Locally, you are aware that hate crime and division is growing. If Labour are not a force to prevent this and challenge the damage the Tories are raining down on the most vulnerable in our society, we are failing in our purpose.”

How anyone can take me seriously now I have gone back on that lot is beyond me, but hopefully you are the man who will. After all, no one takes you seriously! (Ha ha – just a joke!)

Yours in comradeship,