Just before my Euromillions win…

I have the feeling that my life is about to change dramatically tonight. The Euromillions jackpot is around £150 million and I fully expect to win.

This might, on the face of it, be an unlikely prospect since I have not even purchased a ticket, but she who must be obeyed is part of a syndicate and tonight is the night.

When I have won, do not expect to hear about it on this website. There will obviously be a gradual change to my modest lifestyle. Out will go Asda £5 bottles of wine and in will come £8 bottles, moving right up to £10 and more bottles, which will probably be a complete waste of this extra money because I struggle to tell the difference between one wine and another at the best of times!

I will quietly resign from my current job. Not immediately, because I don’t want to give the game away, but it will certainly be a good while before Christmas.

We will let out our house and buy something a bit bigger within a reasonable distance of this one.

Next year’s holiday to Corfu will still go ahead as planned, but somehow I will need to fit in visits to Canada to see family and friends, the Maldives (a lifelong ambition) and plenty of trips to Cornwall or Devon where my new holiday home will be. (Friends and family will be able to rent it for nothing. I’ll give you more details after I’ve won tomorrow.)

In the garden of my new house, I shall be building an extensive garden railway and a large pool with a retractable roof, next to the sauna.

The best way to have a small fortune is to start with a large fortune and buy a football club. Now that I am on the verge of untold riches, I do not intend to squander it all, nor do I understand why anyone with serious money would piss it away, as countless millionaires have done before. After all, who wants to spend huge sums on players’ wages and to subsidise a failing business with little chance of getting your money back? You’d need a pretty massive ego to do that. It don’t impress me much, as Shania might put it.

I will certainly look after those who have looked after me and there are a good few of you. Some of you will have your mortgages paid off, others will get that car you always dreamed about. I will take a lot of you to Tuscany next summer where I shall be hiring a series of large houses in the hills. No need to bring spending money. I’ll take care of that.

So tonight could change everything.

The possibility exists, of course, that we won’t win anything at all in which case the deposit I have put down on that Maserati GT may have been wasted.

So be on the safe side and be by your mobile telephones for my call. I should in touch after the England v Samoa rugby league game tomorrow morning.