There was only one story on the news bulletins today.
No, not the mess all over the middle east, the conflict in Ukraine or even the Scottish vote on separation from the rest of Britain.
The news is that a woman is having a baby.
The Prime Minister, David Cameron, was over the moon.”Many congratulations to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. I’m delighted by the happy news that they’re expecting another baby.”
Later, he told the House of Commons: “On behalf of the whole country, I’m sure the whole House will want to join me in congratulating them on this fantastic news and wishing them well in the months ahead.”
Congratulations that Bill has managed to once again impregnate his wife and one of his sperms managed to make it to its baby-creating final station stop?
As the late, great political journalist Simon Hoggart said, you can only see how stupid a comment is by imagining the exact opposite being said.
“Many commiserations to Bill and his missus. I am very disappointed by the depressing news that they’re expecting another baby.”
Nick Clegg, speaking from the vainglorious office of Deputy Prime Minister was positively gushing.”It is fantastic news they have a growing family. I wish them, especially the Duchess of Cambridge, all the best.”
Especially the Duchess and not Bill? I’ve been in the expectant farther role and it’s hard work, believe me.
And not to be left out, opposition leader Ed Miliband spoke for all of us when he added,”Fantastic to hear that Prince George will soon be a big brother! Congratulations to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge on their happy news.”
He later said in parliament: “I join with the Prime Minister in congratulating the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge on their happy news.
“I too wish them well in the months ahead.”
Well, Nick and Ed had to agree with Dave, didn’t they? If they hadn’t, the electorate would be seething with indignation. “Cameron was quite right to praise the Duke of Wossisface and his Doris but what about that Ed Miliband? He didn’t say a dicky bird. I can’t vote for him now.”
It got even better later. Alex Salmond and Nigel Farage, Rupert Murdoch’s two newest best friends, were celebrating this “very good news’ and not to be outdone the Archbishop of Canterbury put on his best frock to tweet,”Wonderful news that the Duke & Duchess of Cambridge are expecting second child. Praying for the family, and that morning sickness subsides.” Well said, Justin. Now, god: sort out Kate’s puking. The poor girl must be literally sick and tired of pushing the solid bits down the plug hole. God’s vicar in England has asked you to help so don’t just sit on your arse up in the clouds whilst she feels whoozy 24/7.
Doubtless by News At Ten, we will doubtless be getting the reactions of Gary Barlow, Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan, amongst others, and the BBC ‘royal’ correspondents will be speculating on the sex of the child. “If it’s a girl, she’ll have to wear dresses. Will she go to a posh store to buy them, or head off to Primark like the rest of us?” And vitally, “Will she breast feed the child?’ Will the child latch on to the royal tit?
Prince Bill, to his credit, was collared by a TV crew and made brief reference to his wife’s condition (which sounds like an illness in some reports) but showed a great sense of perspective by saying something brief and then saying, and I paraphrase (but not much) that there were more important things going on nationally and internationally than a new royal sprog which will, luckily for Dave, arrive just before the general election. Whether he or she will able to spend time in Scotland with the queen in future rather depends on Alex Salmond towing Scotland off into the mid Atlantic.
Anyway, good luck Bill and Kate. They seem a nice enough couple in a surreal, made up royal family world, and only a real misery would not wish them anything but good luck.
I think it’s just about worthy of the ‘And finally’ story at the end of the news, but I am an old curmudgeon!
