One of the high points of the build up to Christmas and New Year is the publication of the Radio Times double issue. You know for sure that The Big Event is just around the corner. How exciting. Then you come to one of the low points: the schedules are absolutely miserable. Merry Bleeding Christmas!
Of course, I do understand that Christmas is not all about what’s on telly. It’s about being with family, exchanging presents, eating and drinking far too much and for some people there’s a bit of God stuff, too. There’s much more to Christmas than watching telly. But when everything outside is closed, you’ve drained the room of all conversation, you’re bloated from all that excess and you reach for the remote, just look what you get.
On BBC One, there’s an absolute horror show. I can tolerate Michael McIntyre’s Big Christmas Show, but things are all downhill from then onwards. It goes like this:
- 7.45. Call the Midwife. On Christmas night, we have an hour and a half of midwives. In the name of God, who on earth wants 90 minutes of midwifery when the marshmallows and cherry brandies are being passed around.
- 9.15. Eastenders. Cockneys shout at each other for an hour before a bomb explodes and a train crashes into the Queen Vic. Or something.
- 10.15. Mrs Brown’s boys. An Irish bloke dresses up unconvincingly as a woman and the studio audience, but no one else in the land, laughs hysterically.
I am not sure if I shall be drinking fine wines or strychnine. However, ITV with Emmerdale, Coronation Street and two whole sodding hours of Torvill and Dean is not an attractive alternative for me.
It is always like this at Christmas. A vast captive audience and the controllers give us a massive steamy turd of a schedule to endure. Christ – the highlight on Christmas night for me is a repeat of Dad’s Army on BBC2.
I suppose I shall have to talk with the family, which I suppose is one of the main parts of the festive season. Or maybe we’ll play a game of ‘Who is sober enough to find the Monopoly set’?
At least there’s a new series of Luther after Christmas and Alice is back, Personally, I wish they’d shown the whole series on Christmas night. Anything but Call the Midwife.
