I’m away at the moment, so I’ve been sitting on a fathers day card for over a week now. I’m deeply touched that I am considered worthy of such a gift because it clashes with my inbuilt imposter syndrome, in that I don’t believe I deserve anything much in life, and my worsening self-loathing. For these reasons and more, I don’t do praise very well and always think that when I get it, it’s because people feel a bit sorry for me. I work hard to try not to feel sorry for myself.
My father died 15 years ago and ours was an occasionally difficult and always distant relationship. He and my mother separated when I was very young and I have no recollection of every living with him. This may not be an entirely accurate or fair representation of the facts since my memories of childhood are all but non-existent. Even the ones I thought I had could well be may come from the few photographs that survived my messy and costly divorce in the early 1990s. (Thanks to my ex for stealing that part of my life away from me.)
Growing up with an absent father was not something that bothered me while growing up. Everyone around me appeared to have a mum and dad but I can honestly say I never thought I was actually missing out on anything. It was only much later, when I had my own children, that I found out what I really had missed and it was oh so much.
My Dutch mother, a stranger in a strange land, did her magnificent best. That’s why I never noticed there was something different about me. She hid from me just how poor we were by missing out on meals so I didn’t. I don’t think I ever had a baby-sitter so she could go out socially. But in virtually ever aspect, I had to do everything myself. I had to manage school life without any assistance or guidance, the same when I finally went to work. If I wanted to play sport of have any other hobbies, it was down to me every single time. This was not my mum’s fault. It was not anyone’s fault.
When my mental health started to go wrong when I was little more than 12, my mum took me to a child psychiatrist, having to take an afternoon off work every Tuesday, presumably reducing our income even further. When I was a teenager, she took me to other psychiatrists and for some years the Off The Record charity with never a complaint. When other family members (not my dad), complained that I should pull myself together and stop feeling sorry for myself she told me to ignore them. I didn’t ignore them – it really hurt – but don’t forget that for older generations poor mental health hadn’t yet been invented.
My dad did his best to stay in touch. I was the one who kept him at longer than arms-length for many years. It wasn’t his fault that my parents couldn’t live together and I’d have hated it if they had stayed together, having fallen out of love, just for my benefit. Sure, I paid a price but in truth it couldn’t be helped.
I’d like to think I have been a good dad to my boys. My partner has unquestionably been a huge influence on them, particularly with guiding them through their education and all manner of practical levels. I suppose I was more of an inspirational speaker, urging them to be the best versions of themselves they could be, to reach for the sky with their ambitions, to live their dreams. And always be there for them no matter what. Maybe that’s why I got the card today?
I do not send happy heavenly best wishes to my dad today because I am quite sure there is no heaven. To me, that’s just something we cling to in order to avoid the permanence of loss. Instead, I look back at the good times we spent together, when we finally did some things together like dads and sons do. I even took him to see John Fogerty of Creedence Clearwater Revival in Ottawa for his 80th birthday and that was very special.
If you have, or have had, a great dad, then celebrate your good luck. If he’s dead, then celebrate your good luck that at least you had him in your life and raise a glass to his memory.
I know more about fathers than I did before and I do think they are vital components to a happy and successful life for their offspring. I am pretty certain that my life would have been a whole lot different, and better, if I’d had a present father. But it was not to be.
Happy fathers day to you all, fellow fathers. You have no idea just how important you are, until you’re not there.
