I’ve become quite hard-hearted since my mental breakdown at the hands of the evil British Red Cross back in 2017. I don’t know exactly how that came about. I didn’t make any conscious decision to change. And while I still lose control, mentally that is, from time-to-time, I don’t seem to cry, or even feel tearful, so much anymore. Is this a good thing or just some kind of defence mechanism that has kicked in?
I can usually be relied upon not to cry at funerals and weddings these days. While others struggle to catch the falling tears, something holds me together. At my son’s wedding this year, I felt complete in control throughout when others couldn’t keep it together. Just as I was becoming ever more secure in my feelings, first the shortest day and now the helter skelter ride to Christmas as lowered my resistance to tears. For me, this was a good year. Most importantly, I am still standing – or “am steel staindun” as Elton John would put it, if not better than I ever did, then better than I feared. My health and fitness levels, not quite but nearly ravaged by Covid and Long Covid, have just about stabilised and 2025, I hope, will lead to happier, healthier times.
“Christmas is an opportunity for hope and joy to triumph,” it says here. While I am not sure about that, given my lack of “faith” in the existence of a supernatural creator, the best I can do is hope that those who are not in the best place have a better year next year.
Since I don’t know when, the world, never mind just Britain, has felt broken, where nothing works and that we have run out of love. The purveyors of hatred, from the likes of the Conservative and Unionist Party, Nigel Farage’s business Reform UK Ltd, via Stephen Yaxley-Lennon who calls himself Tommy Robinson, Donald Trump and the unelected leader of the western world, actual fascist Bond villain, Elon Musk AKA Leon Skum, have been in the ascendancy. Theirs are the shrill voices of discontent we hear most often, as they spread lies, hatred and culture wars, seeking to divide us and rule.
Little is heard of the legions of good people, getting on with their own lives while also remembering that they, we, are not alone. And if you look around, kindness is everywhere. It’s just that good news is not the kind of news the Daily Mail wants to share.
I have tried to live in a less insular place this year, which is not the easiest thing for a person who is by nature insular. I have tried not to walk by on the other side of the road when people have problems and need help. People I know and people I don’t know, as I said before. I want to be there for friends who are going through hard times and I want to help others the best way I can, in my case by volunteering for every single extra session at our food bank. I don’t do these things for praise or for reward, and certainly not to please a God character because none of that interests me. If I see a sick friend, a widow of an old friend, a lonely person or a hungry person at our food bank, or simply send a message of hope or friendship, I’m there because I want to be. I joke about the government’s failure to honour me for my heroic voluntary work, but you know I don’t mean it. I’ve not always been the best person I can be. I’m trying harder now.
The levee of emotions cracked this week, not because of one particular event or happening. Everything, temporarily, it must be said, got on top of me and I had to stop to rearrange my head. Briefly, I wasn’t able to keep it all together and I had to run for the hills, or Pilning Railway Station, my quiet place, except for when the big expresses thunder by. I thought, thought and overthought some more until I was back on a more even keel. It was not, I concluded, such a bad thing to get my emotions back. On the contrary, I felt more human again. With Christmas arriving, this is a nice feeling.
I hope Christmas brings everything you want and more. If you have been unwell, I hope the love and kindness of the human spirit lifts you for the fight ahead. If your family has been divided, I wish for you family unity. If you have felt low about the past and the present, I hope Christmas can set the scene for a brighter day.
For me, being with family is everything and despite my anti-social nature, there is nowhere else I would rather be apart from my home and – nothing personal, dear reader – no one else I would spend it with. I know how lucky I am.
My new found hard-heartedness I expect will return after Christmas, once the schmaltz and celebrations have passed and I know I will need it again next year because I need to be strong for me and I need to be strong for you. And in the end, all we really have is each other, so best look after ourselves, eh?
Merry Christmas, all.
