The new series of the “X Factor” began tonight. I know this because my Facebook timeline is full of it. Or is is full of shit? It could be the latter.
I have to say I have only ever seen small parts of the show. It is not exactly my cup of tea, to put it mildly, but then neither were “Opportunity Knocks” or “New Faces”, ITV’s talent shows of the past. The “X Factor” appears to be both of those tired old shows brought up to date for the modern age.
I had never heard of Simon Cowell before the show started, although I am told he is a musical genius. Or maybe a genius at making people with no talent famous. I am not sure. But he certainly is a very odd man. For starters – and there is nothing wrong with this – he is as camp as a row of tents. He sounds like the air steward on my flight from Corfu last night. He certainly looks extremely odd, without a trace of grey or silver hair, without a single wrinkle. Yet he is over 50 and he smokes. He should look much older than he does.
The point of the show, in so much that I can be bothered to ascertain, is that wannabes sing a song and become famous, if Simon Cowell and his fellow “experts” like them. His experts included someone called Louis Walsh, who discovered Westlife – some claim to fame, that – as well as Cheryl Cole, who is pretty, can’t sing, but is pretty. For this series, they have new panel members. The bloke from Radio 1’s Breakfast show – Nick Someone – who has lost a million listeners in a year and the worst judge on “The Voice” who is called Rita Ora. Yes, these are the people who decide as to whether others have talent. You couldn’t make it up.
I am not going to pretend I can explain the way the show works, mainly because I have no idea. Apparently, there is something called a “Boot Camp” and if you are familiar with the show you will understand, because I certainly don’t!
Perhaps someone could tell me whether they actually want to see new talent on telly, or that they enjoy the freak show aspect. The latter was always the attraction on “Opportunity Knocks” and “New Faces” (or “New Faeces” as we used to call it). Some mumbling old granny playing a xylophone or a young child who could recite the entire works of Shakespeare whilst standing on his head eating American Hard Gums. These were much more fun.
Seriously though: what you are really watching on the “X Factor” is karaoke. The woman or man in the pub making a passable singalong with someone else’s hit from the past. If you manage to sing it in tune, you have “nailed it”. That will save the necessity of having some kind of genuine apprenticeship in showbiz. No need to learn how to write songs and how to play live. Just read the cue cards!
The sad thing is the Facebook comments on the show make it sound even more boring than I have managed to do. The “X Factor” must be re-auditioning countless people it has auditioned before because the talent pool can only be so deep.
For most competitors and even winners, the fame will be transient so they should enjoy it whilst the still can. Happily, I won’t be.
