“So this is Christmas,” sang John Lennon, with a knowing shrug. “And what have you done?” Well, not a lot to be honest. I’ve got most of the presents I need to get and most of the booze, although we still don’t know what we’re going to do on Christmas Day. While I enjoy ‘Christmas’ in the sense that I get to see family and friends, the traditions somewhat pass me by. If I was a single man, I’d probably celebrate the festive season with three slices of mature cheddar on thick toast, followed by a bowl of Tarr’s ice cream. The main stuff, like the tree, decorations, the wreath and cards, just added fluff andf unnecessary. What I hate – and I know, hate is a very strong word – is a lot of the music that I have to suffer (and I use the word inadvisedly).
As always, I am a little slow to the party when it comes to modern trends and I have only just learned of the existence of a game called Whamageddon. Apparently, it started in 2010 and the aim is for ‘players’ to avoid hearing Last Christmas by Wham! throughout December, up until midnight on Christmas Eve. I am not sure if I have managed to avoid it because, frankly, I avoid most Christmas songs, but if I never hear it again it will still be a day too soon.
I mean, Last Christmas is a decent tune, but to me it comes under the heading Played To Death. The video is quite sweet, with George Michael still pretending to be straight (believe it or not, one’s sexuality still mattered to pop stars and some fans back in 1964), but once you’ve heard it several thousand times, as I have, I want to take a lump hammer to the record and smash it into smithereens.
When The Fairytale of New York came out in 1987, I finally found a Shane MacGowan record that I actually liked, although that may have been because the brilliant and also now deceased Kirsty MacColl also featured on it. 36 years on and as soon as it starts, I dash to the off switch. I simply don’t want to hear about the mythical NYPD choir anymore.
Some artists save their very worst for Christmas. Did Elton John every write a worse song than Step Into Christmas and did the man who wrote Hey Jude really write Wonderful Christmastime? These were not just crimes against music, they were crimes against humanity. I avoid them simply by not listening to BBC Radio Two or, far worse still, those ghastly oldies stations that proliferate, or should I say poison the airwaves.
So in some ways, my life has embraced a version of Whamageddon without previously having heard of it. I avoid all the tunes mentioned above, and others I haven’t mentioned until now like Jonah Lewie’s hideous Stop The Cavalry and Mariah Carey’s abysmal All I Want For Christmas Is You. I know you probably love these songs. To me they are like fingernails scraping down a blackboard, worse if anything.
Lennon was onto something with Happy Christmas (War Is Over), which was first released in 1971. He had a thing about peace, hence this song and other minor hits like Give Peace A Chance and Imagine, but 52 years later and humanity has barely learned a thing and worse still we’re still being bombarded – an unfortunate word, perhaps – with what we experts refer to as shit Christmas music.
I’m off for my weekly stint at the food bank where I shall do my bit to feed the world by letting those dying of starvation know that it’s Christmastime again. Band Aid, it turned out, was just a sticking plaster after all but at least it did some good for a short while. Now, where’s that cheese on toast?
