The only football match I watched this weekend, of the hundreds that were available to me, was Liverpool’s trip to Ipswich Town. The Merseyside giants versus the plucky minnows of the Fens, David and Goliath and all that stuff. At least that was how TNT’s increasingly woeful presentation team made it out to be. Commentator Darren Fletcher, usually one of the better commentators of the modern age, which isn’t saying much to be fair, never missed an opportunity to inform us that this player or that had been with Ipswich since they were in League One. What a step-up this was. Despite the vast difference in resources between the two clubs, Ipswich had put up a fine show.
Naturally, we were treated to a lengthy trip into the past, remembering Alf Ramsey and Bobby Robson’s glory days. It was fairytale stuff that the Tractor Boys, all straw-chewing yokels, were back in the big time. And TNT spent more time dwelling on tiresome ginger-haired crooner and minor investor Ed Sheeran, who was present only until half-time when he had to fly to Serbia for a gig. Christ: TNT even interviewed him before the match, or more specifically Peter ‘Crouchy’ Crouch did, in a cringy smoke-blowing exercise. Cuddly Ed loves Ipswich more than anyone else does. It was quite a surprise to discover that there was actually a football match going on.
As a scouser by birth (well, almost: Bristol isn’t that far away), I have adopted the Reds having all but fallen out of love with the only club I have ever supported, Bristol Rovers. And let me say that I am not some glory-hunting armchair fan: I’ll have you know that I sometimes watch Liverpool play when I’m in the pub. Going to cheer them on in person? I have zero wish to do that and, anyway, zero chance of getting tickets.
The first half was a hard watch as Liverpool struggled with the Ipswich man-to-man marking and lost the physical duel too often for comfort. This is code for being kicked to shit by the plucky underdogs. New supremo Arne Slot hooked juvenile centre back Jarell Quansah at half-time and tweaked the tactics, whereupon Liverpool ripped Ipswich to bits. Of course, none of the reasons for Liverpool’s less than stellar first half were pointed out, nor I fear even spotted, by television’s worst football pundit Jermaine Jenas. If he did see what was going on, he certainly did mention it, other than to say, repeatedly, that Liverpool weren’t “on it”. Look TNT. Jenas may be capable of reading an autocue on the BBC’s dreary ‘One Show’, but just because he used to play football doesn’t mean he has the first clue what’s going on. But then, a channel that also employs Steve McManaman in a similar role, is clearly not wanting or expecting decent punditry.
I almost bought into the David and Goliath narrative until I checked the facts. Liverpool is owned by the Fenway Sports Group (FSG), who appear to be one of the better overseas club owners, but that is still what they are. I had assumed that Ipswich must be owned by a local businessman and that the club barely had a pot to piss in. Fans would be at the gates, collecting coppers in a bucket, and selling Golden Goal raffle tickets. There would be a half-time draw conducted by a balding, portly gentleman, handing out prizes like £100 in travel vouchers; that kind of thing. But, guess what? This is not what this ‘small, family club’ is all about. Allow me to quote from today’s Guardian:
“The majority of the business is owned by an investment consortium, ORG, which manages funds on behalf of a multibillion US pension pot, known as the Arizona Public Safety Personnel Retirement System. In March, a private equity fund, Bright Path Sports Partners, bought a 40% stake. The pastel suits and aviator shades of Stateside business were visible in the executive boxes, a contrast to the blue-shirted fervency of the home fans.”
Quelle surprise! In their desperation to create a narrative for the game, somehow TNT had failed to point out that actually Ipswich is not in the hands of local people, as it was in the old days when it was owned by the Cobbold family, but by stinking rich American pension and hedge fund companies. They had not lied to the viewer but by accident or design, we had been led to believe that the ascent to the top flight had been some kind of miracle. The manager Kieran McKenna and his players have certainly achieved great things and it’s important to acknowledge that.
I very much doubt that Ipswich fans give a flying fuck who owns their club, as long as he (or she) chucks in huge sums of money to buy players. In most instances, they probably don’t care who manages their club, either, as long as he delivers decent football and eventually success. My old club Bristol Rovers employed the loathsome Joey Barton, who became hugely popular when he led them to promotion, subsidised with Jordanian money ploughed in by the club’s former owner Wael al-Qadi. (At least the club is now back in local hands, local if you live in Kuwait that is.) As long as the outcome is positive, hardly anyone cares about club ownership these days. Why, then, pretend otherwise, as so many do, as TNT did on Saturday?
Clubs who are promoted from the Championship to the Premiership are almost always relegated after just the one year in the top flight. TNT informed us frequently that Ipswich could well be the exception, because of their excellent manager and playing squad. For all I know, this could well be true, but let’s not kid ourselves that the club’s wealthy owners will not play a big part in any survival story.
Underdogs, it seems, are not who and what they used to be, not if Ipswich Town or anything to go by. To be fair to TNT, they are not the only media outlet trying to create the illusion that Portman Road is home to a modest family club when the new reality is quite the opposite. And TNT, whose aim after all is to chase subscribers and make more money, have more to gain than a David and Goliath storyline, even if it is a nonsense.
As for Ed Sheeran, he does seem to be a nice lad, despite producing some of the more tedious music in modern times, but I could not but enjoy a little schadenfreude as his beloved Tractor Boys were hopelessly outclassed while he was on his way to Serbia. We will hear so much more this season about the little guy, in this case Ipswich Town, and much of it will be bullshit. The involvement of ORG, Arizona Public Safety Personnel Retirement System and Bright Path Sports Partners tells the true story.
