For once in my life, I truly feel grateful for something I have read in the failing Bristol Post. They announce in a story, which is little more than free advertising, that the Bristol Christmas Market will be returning to the city from 9th November to 23 December. It is “one of the main features of the festive period in Bristol”, boasts the Post. If that’s true, we’re heading from a dreary Christmas.

The Post gets even better: “The ever popular Jager Barn also returns as well as firm favourites including Yorkshire Pudding Wraps and Bratwurst. Alfie the singing moose is also back by popular demand, serenading shoppers with festive classics.” I feel I must take issue with pretty well all of this.

I confess that I have previously attended the German food market and found it most underwhelming. The “ever popular Jagerbarn” is nothing more than a tatty pop-up boozer that’s virtually in the open air. The beer is gaseous and overpriced. If it’s really “ever popular”, some people ought to get out and find what a proper pub looks like

I have tried the Bratwurst and have to confess it was not exactly the gastronomic treat I had been led to believe. Essentially, it was a giant sausage with all the taste and structure of cardboard, albeit with a few added bits of onion and a splash of unnamed ketchup. It was awful and what’s more cost an arm and a leg, almost literally in the circumstances.

If a ghastly pint of third rate lager followed by a German sausage is not enough, there are countless chalets which sell sickly chocolate sweets, from which you might, if you are lucky, get change from a tenner. And if you are really unlucky, you might run into a German oompah band, playing all those great tunes you’ve never heard of. Who could resist? Well, me for starters.

In fact, nothing, not even the presence of Alfie the singing moose, who the organisers assure us is back “by popular demand” (have people really been badgering the owners to bring the singing moose back to Bristol?), can tempt me into Broadmead or even Carboot Circus for that matter.

I am not in the least bothered about the so called exploitation of the death of a Palestinian 2000 years ago because, let’s face it, every single aspect of Christmas has absolutely nothing to do with religion – thank God. I am bothered at the exploitation of people who really should know better than to allow themselves to be inveigled themselves to consume such excess tat at this time of the year.

For all I know, there will plenty of our German friends at the German Christmas Market this year. It will still be crap though. I’m off to my local, instead.