I believe that as a football fan, I am supposed to be in a state of high excitement as the transfer window is about to slam shut. It doesn’t merely close, you see: it slams shut. BANG! BBC Radio Five Live has a special programme this evening but let’s be honest and admit the transfer window exists for only one man: Sky TV’s King of the Camp, Jim White. And what a prospect we have to look forward to this evening. Just look at today’s major developments so far:

Morgaro Gomis [Hearts – Motherwell] Loan
Don Cowie [Wigan – Hearts] Free
Alex Pritchard [Tottenham – West Brom] Loan
Patrick Roberts [Manchester City – Celtic] Loan
Seydou Doumbia [Roma – Newcastle] Loan
Antonio German [Kerala Blasters – Partick Thistle] Free
Connor Dimaio [Sheffield United – Chesterfield] Free
Zeli Ismail [Wolves – Oxford] Loan
Aaron O’Connor [Forest Green – Stevenage] Undisclosed
Louis Thompson [Norwich – Swindon] Loan
Kelle Roos – [Derby – AFC Wimbledon] Loan
Nicky Hunt [Mansfield – Leyton Orient] Undisclosed
Chris Maguire [Rotherham – Oxford] Free
Tom Nichols [Exeter – Peterborough] Undisclosed
Rohan Ince [Brighton – Fulham] Loan

I am probably a little out of touch with football these days but for some reason I was not quite as worked up about this list of transfers than the Sky Sports News presenters were this afternoon, at least one of whom was almost orgasmic with excitement. For one thing, I have only heard of one of the players in this list, Patrick Roberts, although I have no idea what he looks like and no idea what he plays like. At a guess, he seems to be one of the myriad of young players signed up by the top clubs just in case they are any good, City came to the conclusion he wasn’t and sent him off to the backwaters of the Scottish Premier League for a couple of years before selling him to someone like Reading. For one reason, I am not convinced that a whole evening of transfers like these will not represent a worthwhile use of my valuable time.

Sky Sports will send reporters to all the big clubs in the hope that something happens. The reporters will be standing by the main entrance, surrounded and being pushed by hordes of overexcited young men with too much time on their hands, telling us one or two rumours he has heard. “And back to you in the studio, Jim.” Jim will be nearly hysterical by now, reminding us, as if we needed reminding, that a billion quid of our Sky subscriptions has been blown in the transfer market this season.

What will be missing will be the sight of Harry Redknapp, rolling down the window of his car, at the gate of whichever club he is managing now (none as it happens), to inform us “Nuffin’ is gawna ‘appen tonight” before we are informed later that the great man signed three or four new players just before the transfer window “slammed shut”.

I will tune in at 7.00pm to see what our Jim has to say. I know he will have next to nothing to say but boy will he make nothing sound exciting. If you like that kind of thing. I’ve concluded it could be hair wash night tonight.