You can work out straight away the appalling state of British music simply by who is hosting tonight’s Brit Awards: mums’ and dads’ favourites Ant and Dec. No one doubts their ability to present average television programmes – why have one presenter when two will do? – but you do wonder if rock and roll is dead when you look at tonight’s line up.
George Ezra, Paloma Faith, Ed Sheeran and Sam Smith are as bang average and unthreatening as music gets. Daniel O’Donnell comes from the same stable of dreary mediocrity so adored by MOR commercial radio stations (and Radio 2, sadly). I don’t doubt their ability – ‘Oooo, ‘e’s got a lovely voice!’ – but cutting edge it ain’t. It is certainly not an age thing for me, where I have grown too old to appreciate all this modern new music because modern new music is exactly what this isn’t. In fact, it’s a throwback to the era before rock and roll even existed. It’s music to shop by as Asda. Surely you’d never really choose to listen to it, would you?
I find there’s almost an obligation to like the new MOR music. It fact, I was convinced a few years ago that an act of parliament had been passed that compelled me to buy Adele’s new album, even though her voice was as enjoyable to my ears as fingernails going down a blackboard.
I am not convinced by Royal Blood, either, who are also playing and – I have not been drinking, honest – the only music that strikes me as being in any way distinct from the generic fodder will come from Take That, still making good new music, and the brilliant Taylor Swift, who is definitely more than a pretty face (and pretty everything else).
There is nothing new about this: the Brits has always been a self-indulgent trawl round the ‘nice’ side of music in this country. No one really remembers who won 12 Brits in one year but most people recall Jarvis Cocker storming Michael Jackson’s stage and Mick Fleetwood and Samantha Fox’s car crash hosting of the event back in the 1950s (I think).
There has been lots of great new music in the last year but you won’t hear any of it tonight. Instead, it will be a Shit Fest of what you can hear everyday on Heart FM when you are looking out for something that will allow you a little shut eye in the afternoon. Someone, probably Rita Ora, will wear a gown-less evening strap and someone will swear. Oh, and Ant and Dec will smile a lot and people at home will coo, ‘Aren’t they sweet?’ Well, they are sweet, if you like that sort of thing, but they’re just presenters of a genre that exists for music luvvies to slap each other on the back and celebrate their ‘product’.
Enjoy the show, but it ain’t rock and roll.
