This is a work of fiction. any similarities to persons living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
Club Statement: “Melchester Rovers Football Club is aware of today’s findings in the court case involving Vernon Elliot. Melchester Rovers does not condone any act of violence, racism or intimidatory behaviour. We will make no further comment at this time. Vernon Elliot’s personal statement can be read here“:
“I’m normally a peace-loving chap and it was completely out of character the other night when I was leaving my local, the Polished Knob, and I twatted one woman and gobbed all over another. Although I admit it happened, it wasn’t my fault. None of this would have happened had I not accidentally consumed 15 pints of Boston’s Old Thumper in the preceding moments. I don’t have a violent bone in my body and if the judge had been on the ball (see what I did there?) he’d have found the beer guilty and not me.
I want to put this behind me now and work hard for the fans (Sid and Doris Bonkers) and the manager Roy Race who sets a marvellous example to football fans all over the world with his hilarious one-liners like “Fuck off you little cunt” which he used to the referee when we played arch-rivals Melborough in last season’s Paint Pot trophy. It was most unlike Roy to have to be restrained from attacking the referee after the game.
Finally, I am grateful to club chairman Sam Barlow for muddying the waters by implying that I was heavily provoked by racists. That makes it all right then. I would like to forget all about this unfortunate episode, as the club has already done, and move on.”
With apologies to Roy of the Rovers and Private Eye.
