By the end, a song was going round and round in my head. Not ‘World In Motion’ or ‘Three Lions’, though. No. It was Captain Sensible’s ‘Glad it’s all over’ for that was one of the worst, possibly the very worst, England performance I have ever seen. It is one thing to lose to Iceland but it is quite another to be well beaten by them.
Roy Hodgson may be a highly experienced football coach, but long before the end I was pining for the golden days of Geoff Thomas and Carlton Palmer, two journeymen players of yesteryear who would probably have been the best players on the pitch as we lost to mighty Iceland tonight.
As ever, I had some optimism when we set off for France. I fell for the hype that we had a fine young side, packed with emerging stars. Whilst we probably wouldn’t win the tournament, we would surely have a good run at it. Young guns like Dele Alli, Harry Kane, Raheem Sterling and Marcus Rashford would set the tournament alight. And then the games started.
Stilted, robotic football with little imagination, no flair and, it seemed, no real pride. The millionaire superstars of the Premier League turned out to be as overrated as the Premier League itself. Except that the Premier League has more huff and puff and 70% of the players aren’t English, which is probably why the competition is so exciting.
After the fourth minute penalty, the game lurched into a familiar pattern. Slow, turgid football, passing oh-so-slowly across the field, then back across the field and then, as soon as we try a forward pass, we give the ball away.
Who do I blame? The manager, obviously. Look at the England rugby union team, woeful last autumn in the world cup, exiting in the group stage, but transformed by Eddie Jones. It is not by accident that England now has the second best rugby union side on the planet. Stupidly – and I apologise to everyone I disagreed with – I fell for the Hodgson knows what he’s doing argument, the one that says he knows more about football than all of us. Actually, he does, but he’s not up there with even the half-decent international managers. Frankly, he’s not up to the job full stop.
And these exciting players? Really? Joe Hart has, I’m afraid, been shown to be a less than top goalkeeper. Kyle Walker is great going forward but can’t defend. Danny Rose is a bang average club left back. Cahill and Smalling? They won’t even start for their clubs next season. Alli? Overawed by the big stage, perhaps or a victim of the manager’s tinkering? Rooney, gives it everything but into the long decline. Dier? Not dire, but I can’t see what he gives the team. Sturridge? So gifted, yet directionless, plays like a show pony. Kane? Horribly off the pace – why the fuck does he take the free kicks? I’m getting mad now. Raheem Bloody Sterling? Vardy? Yes, start and end with him. See? I’m getting mad now.
“Fuck off Europe, we’re all voting out” sang our boys on the streets of Marseille. How the bars of Marseille will be reverberating tonight with the sound of laughter, wetting themselves with laughter at the useless rosbifs.
Well, we’re out all right and Roy Hodgson, who had the brass neck to smile when shaking hands with the Iceland manager, has resigned a few seconds before he was sacked. Or was that awarded a new 10 year contract? I wouldn’t put it past the FA.
I think I knew something like this would happen. In retrospect, the signs were there against an abysmal Russia, a modest Wales, albeit one with a world class player – one more than we have – and a modest Slovakia, whose outstanding player couldn’t even get in the Liverpool team last season.
At least it can’t get any worse now. I can watch with relaxed semi-detachment teams I am not really interested in. I won’t need to get worked up because my country’s team let me down again, as they always do.
Soon, “The Greatest League On Earth” will be resuming on Sky, giving Rupert Murdoch even more reason to celebrate after the Brexit vote. The Dirty Digger must be the happiest man on earth.
England is out of Europe, again. Perhaps, we can set up our own football tournament with the Commonwealth? If we were really lucky, we might even qualify for the tournament, so long as we don’t bump into Australia or South Africa. Or perhaps a new competition in Europe, now we’ve left the EU; a competition featuring Andorra, Vatican City, Liechtenstein, San Marino and the Faroe Islands? It’s pointless playing international giants like Iceland. We only lose.
