Probably for sins in a previous life, I found myself watching something called Soccer Aid on ITV. The idea is that an England team, comprising old English footballers and English ‘celebrities’ play a Rest of the World XI and the public sends a fiver or a tenner each to help UNICEF. I certainly cannot knock the aims of Soccer Aid, especially having seen the heartbreaking scenes of vulnerable and displaced young children who have lost everything. The game, and indeed the ITV coverage, was dreadful.
There were certainly some big stars on view. Michael Sheen, Robbie Williams and John Bishop all took part. There were also quite a few ‘celebrities’ of whom I had never heard. Ben Shephard is apparently a TV presenter who ran around kicking people, something that according to Peter Schmeichel, the studio pundit whose teeth appear to have grown too big for his mouth, he has always done. Shephard was sent off early in the second half for an assault on the Dutch legend Edgar Davids and gained warm applause from the smiling crowd, as well as a comforting hug from former referee Howard Webb. “Ha ha ha. He’s almost broken Davids’ leg there. He’s a lad!”
Mark Wright was also playing. Not the former England centre half but one who appeared on The Only Way Is Essex, a programme I am proud and pleased to say I have never seen. As well as that, we welcomed Jonathan Wilkes, Marvin Humes and Danny Jones. Nope. Not a clue.
I am guessing that these guys are also TV presenters. That’s what most ‘celebrities’ seem to be these days. They present things. What do you want to be when you grow up? A TV presenter! Good shout. If you can smile and string more than two words together, preferably in the right order, the job is yours.
It could also be that these people represent a new generation of TV stars and I am reacting rather as my grandfather did when I was entertained by the stars of my childhood. I try not to talk about this period of my life too often because most of them are in prison for various acts of paedophilia and child abuse.
The commentator was Clive Tydesley, a man who cannot bear the possibility of a second’s silence over 90 minutes. He feels the need to talk incessantly, never allowing the poor viewer to make up her or his mind over what s/he is watching. And the expert summariser? It was none other than Chris ‘Unbelievable Jeff’ Kamara who added considerable comedy value but little else.
For all the dismal coverage and constant “we’ll be back right after the break” interruptions, overall the show was A Good thing. Hopefully, some desperate children around the world will get help they might otherwise not have received and maybe, just maybe, some people’s views on migration may have mellowed.
Will I watch it next year? Who knows? if there’s nothing better on, I just might, but if you’re going to have a show featuring celebrities, let’s make sure that’s what they actually are.
