The idea that cooking on television has become the new rock and roll is given credence, apparently, by the forthcoming BBC series Rise of the Rockstar Chef. It features Marco Pierre White, Gordon Ramsay and Heston Blumenthal. The preview says this: “(They) reveal all about their culinary stardom and infamous beef. Expect endless juicy gossip, from pan-throwing to gatecrashing weddings … and mid-service kitchen sex.”
If you were thinking that preview came from The Sun or the Mail, you’d be mistaken because it’s actually from The Guardian and that says everything about the absurdity of creating celebrities out of people who, in this case Blokes, cook things.
I have been known to watch the odd cookery show over the years. I quite liked Ready Steady Cook back in the old days when it was hosted by the amiable Fern Britton, Keith Floyd was riotously funny and who could not love the Hairy Bikers, nowadays known as the Hairy Biker? But White, Ramsay and Blumenthal? Not so much. Actually, with regard to two of them, not at all.
I have never seen White’s food shows, but I have had the misfortune to see some of Ramsay and Blumenthal’s and found them ego-driven and tiresome at best. With regard to Ramsay, he always reminds me about how much I hate bullies. Blumenthal, employing devices like blowtorches to cook things, just comes across as a knob.
You can barely turn your TV on these days without seeing people cook things. That, I suppose, I could just about cope with if I had nothing better to do with my time. Mercifully, I have far better things to do with my time and even the prospect of learning about “mid-service kitchen sex” isn’t enough to tempt me. And as for the Rockstar Chef, please!
Marco Pierre White clearly believes the bullshit. “We were bigger and better than the Beatles,” he boasts. “And we fed more people than they did.” The final part is demonstrably true, if you are only referring to affluent middle class people. However, I am not sure that Ramsay, White and Blumenthal ever did anything quite as good as Yesterday, Hey Jude or Let It Be. Perhaps, he was jesting, although The Guardian’s sycophantic coverage did not suggest he was. If he genuinely thinks that, it just goes to show what idiots these people are.
These chefs have all had Michelin stars. I shall take their word for it because I am not an expert on car tyres, but in any case, so what? It just means that some kind of food judge has decided they make good food. Well, my partner makes good food, too, but she would be the last to suggest she’s bigger and better than The Beatles. And I’d certainly prefer anything she made compared to some of the crap I am presented with by so-called celebrity chefs.
Rockstar Chef, my arse. Give me rock stars who play actual music, thank you very much. Whatever next, Celebrity Detox? Pro Celebrity dancing on ice? Oh, wait…
