I am supposed to be at the Bristol O2 Academy tonight, watching the popular beat combo outfit Blackberry Smoke. I bought my ticket ages ago. Instead, I am at home watching Boca Juniors v River Plate on BT Sport. I couldn’t face the music. Well, not really, I just thought it was a decent play on words. In fact, I couldn’t face the crowd, I didn’t want to out alone, I wanted to be in the cosiness of my own home. This was the second time today. This morning, I had intended to go to the local Remembrance event. I couldn’t face that, either, for the exact same reasons.
I became aware only recently that I might have a small case of Crowd-Phobia, since this kind of thing has happened all my life. Parties and gatherings have always filled me with dread and anxiety and have caused me to become very depressed before and after. As part of yet another attempt to get better, I made the decision earlier this year to simply avoid places where I might suffer Crowd-Phobia.
I have declined party invitations and school reunions and accepted only smaller events and occasions. I’m okay with a few people but very bad with a lot.
I had been looking forward to seeing Blackberry Smoke for a very long time until the last few days when it occurred to me I’d be in a very crowded place away from home. As I knew nobody else who wanted to go, I was to be Billy No Mates, not for the first time. In the end, I had to make a decision, as my brain turned to papier–mâché, and that was to write off the £28 I’d paid and feel safe.
And when I felt safe, I was really low because I’d not gone somewhere I wanted to go. There simply wasn’t an alternative, though. I was not frightened of being endangered or anything like that. It was irrational, as are all my mental demons. I was worried I might have a panic attack or ‘merely’ mired in stress all night. I’m home now with the door locked.
I’m playing golf next weekend and I am mainly looking forward to it. It will be way out of my comfort zone but I am determined to go through with it and I am going to try hard to enjoy it. I should feel completely safe because I will be with much loved friends.
What a state to get in. I’m better than I was last week but I’m really pissed off. I should be watching a band I love and I can’t face it. How ridiculous must that sound?
